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Buffy - Willow and Tara

All-New Random Review! Episode 1

Posted on 2010.09.05 at 01:35
Current Music:: Queen - Save Me
Tags: , ,
So if you're reading this on Dreamwidth then you might be sat there thinking 'what is this random review thing of which you speak?' Well for those who I would describe as the 'uninitiated' let me fill you in. It is a feature in which I go onto wikipedia, hit random article and then write a review of whatever thing comes up, regardless of whether I actually know anything about the topic in question or not. I used to do these on Livejournal for a bit and then I stopped because I got really lazy, also there was one entry in which I started talking about someone who put a hat in a sink and I kind of thought maybe I should shelf the feature for a while. And so I did. And now I am bringing it back. I guess that puts you about up to date.

This time in order to preserve at least some semblance of sense I have hired a man called Horatio to stand behind me and poke me with a taser on a stick whenever I go too far off-topic. This is what I mean by All-New (although other than the fact that I am pretending that there is a man behind me who will periodically jab me with an imaginary taser there really isn't very much different than the Original Random Review (don't tell trading standards)).

So without significant amounts of further ado lets get this show on the road and do some random reviewing. Today's review as selected by the Random Article tab of Wikipedia is Ángeles Montolio, or as I will call him from now on: Angels Minolo. Angels is a former tennis player from Spain, and also apparently a woman. She was like the 22nd best tennis player in 2002 and then she retired shortly after. Well I think that's probably enough information to construct a review out of, so why don't I just get on with it eh?

Well first off, and call me biased if you must, but I hate tennis and so I'm already finding Angels to be a bit annoying. Personally tennis is one of those sports where although I'm not keen I can see where the enjoyment must come from as long as you yourself are the one playing tennis. I can see no value in watching someone play tennis. How someone can enjoy such a tremendously boring experience I have no idea. I reckon this is where the strawberries and cream come into the equation. They are like bait to lure unsuspecting people into watching the tennis, and then they're kind of stuck there so they go along with it. The reason they continue to watch tennis after the strawberries and cream are little more than a distant memory is that during the rainy bits of the tennis; when Elton John comes out and sings a song, he uses his special hypnosis glasses to brainwash the crowd.

ZAP!

I mean erm. Anyway; Angels Minolo. Once upon a time there was a girl called Angels Minolo, and all she wanted in the world was to be good at tennis, except for the fact that she had been tragically born without any arms. Every night she would pray that someone would invent robotic arms and she'd be able to play tennis like she always wanted. But those robotic arms were, and as far as I know, are still years away from being invented. However that is not to say that little Angels did not recieve help from the Heavens above. In fact she did. The next time she was walking past a tennis court a pair of angels descended from heaven. They were dressed in white shorts and t-shirts, with headband visors to keep the sun out of their eyes, and their wings were made out of tennis bats. They stood on either side of her and when the ball came towards her they simply flapped their wings and sent it flying back. The angels were perfect shots, and consequently Angels was undefeated. Eventually it was the big day. She was considered to be the 22nd best tenniser in the whole world and this match was against the best tenniser in the world: Roger Fedora. If she beat Fedora she would officially be the best tennis player to have ever lived. But that was not going to be as easy as it seemed; Fedora was a tennis playing machine! Literally, he was a machine designed for playing tennis. He fired tennis balls out of his mouth and his arms were giant tennis bats that spanned the length of the tennis court. It was a dead heat; Fedora and Angels matched each other shot for shot. It looked like the match would continue on into the night and it did and it just kept going. Fedora did not need sleep and since Angels was pretty much irrelevant to the whole process she could just go and read a book or something. Eventually she got bored and retired from tennis, but in one old boarded up tennis court in Spain Roger Fedora and two tennis angels are still playing the perfect game of tennis. And they will be until the end of time. The End.

So now that I've set an impossibly high standard that Angels will never actually be able to live up to I guess I will continue with the actual review. Ahem. One criticism I have of Angels is that she isn't actually flanked by tennis angels and thus she is rubbish. I score her 0/10, or in tennis-speak love/game. Which incidentally is the name of a song by Lady GaGa. Who would have guessed that that game is really about tennis?

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