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Big Bang - Penny


Posted on 2009.12.25 at 20:18
Current Mood:: accomplishedaccomplished
Tags: ,
Every year Doctor Who Christmas episodes get more and more far-fetched and poorly plotted. Let's start with the first; The Christmas Invasion. The Sycorax invaded on Christmas Day and it was our first ever episode with David Tennant at the helm. It's a classic episode with Rose and the rest of them desperately trying to deal with the alien menace while the Doctor is incapacitated. Then The Doctor wakes up and is all save the day like and everything was good. And it all made sense, to a point. Okay the blood control thing was a bit iffy, but that's psuedoscience for you. Plus it was the first instance of a deadly christmas tree, a theme that really should recur more in the Christmas episodes. A great episode that introduces us to a great new Doctor. Okay so then after that there's The Runaway Bride. Okay this one doesn't follow the getting worse every year pattern because this one was pretty damn good as well. Donna was introduced and there's another deadly Christmas tree, though this one significantly less deadly than the last. Okay silly spider woman kind of lets us down here but it's still more good than it is bad. Next up The Christmas Titanic or whatever it was called. Not really a great episode over all. Kylie flies off and becomes space dust and silly aliens are on a spaceship that was really poorly named. Okay so the angels were okay but I don't even remember much about them. All I recall of this episode is Kylie driving a forklift truck into oblivion to destroy the world's least believable villain. Meh. Still it's not as bad as what's to come next. The Christmas Doctor. Awfully plotted storyline involving Cybermen building a giant Cyberman robot (I still can't get over how bad that was) and manipulating a silly woman with the world's biggest mood swings into being the robot's brain or something. It just doesn't make sense. And that's to say nothing of the annoying Faux-Doctor who thinks he's the Doctor. So far so bad.

Now this year. The Christmas End of Time. Well The Next Doctor showed some signs of being interesting and plausible at the start, before it was revealed they were making a silly giant robot. This episode starts with no such pretensions to being good. Okay so get this the entire planet is having dreams of The Master with silly white hair but nobody can remember except, arbitrarily, for Wilf. Then The Doctor arrives after having faffed about in the TARDIS for a while it seems and the Ood show no sign in being disappointed in him for what he did at the end of the Waters of Mars. That was an incredible episode. It showed the dark side of the Doctor as he went too far and took history into his own hands, thinking that he was a god or something. Then an Ood showed up and it looked like 'oh god the Doctor has finally broken the world'. And then it's never spoken of again. Big Lipped Aligator Moment or what? In fact it turns out that all of what follows in this episode is completely not the Doctor's fault in any shape or form. Superlame. So apparently that's that then. It's okay to callously change the course of history so long as you feel a bit sorry for it afterwards and then faff about in space and time instead of going to save the world. Yep. Nice call whoever the hell is writing this drivel. Really clever what you've done there. So anyway they're bringing The Master back. Who is bringing the Master back you might ask? The Cult of Saxon of course! Duh! Who else?! The Cult of Saxon has been gathering up secret ingredients needed to somehow resurrect him. How this is supposed to work is never explained and I have a feeling I know why it's never explained, because it's total moon logic. Not even that. They've just thought 'oh erm, we need the Master back... erm... what if he'd started a cult of devoted followers or something and they've gone and got a potion of life or something and they need the Master's wife because his DNA will still be on her lips all these years later and then we can bring him back to life. Yeah that makes perfect sense'. Well if your willing suspense of disbelief is still standing then you're a more gullible idiot than I am, but don't worry, more silly plot contrivances will be along to shatter it for you promptly. Because you see The Master's wife knew about the Cult of Saxon and the potion of life that could bring him back (presumably she also knew then that she was part of this potion and just decided not to kill herself to prevent his resurrection because she was dropped on her head as a child) and has devised an opposite potion of death which could be used at an opportune moment to stop the Master's resurrection but in fact turns him into Captain Freakshow. I like The Master. He's a bit silly but he's always threatening and ominous. He has so much power and he uses it so randomly, so whimsically that his sillyness and his whimsy make him more frightening. Silly Glowy Hungry Master on the other hand is a different kettle of fish. For some reason he keeps flashing between himself and an electric blue skeleton (don't ask me) and he for some reason can leap silly distances through the air and shoot lightning from his eyes and unbuckle straightjackets with his mind. And instead of being threatening he just sits there and lists things he would like to eat and then eats them. Hunger does not equal scary. So anyway he's off being the Stig of the Dump for some reason and Wilf has organised all the pensioners in London into a city wide net to find The Doctor. Don't ask just go with it. He and the Doctor sit and reminisce for a while. Blah blah blah. That bit isn't so bad. There's also some incredibly uninteresting people building a gate for some reason and some aliens building the same gate for another reason. It's all much of a muchness if you ask me. The real crowning moment of awfulness for this episode came right at the end though. The Master has hatched his fiendish plan to turn everyone on the planet into copies of himself. I don't know why either. Also okay this gate thing. It's a medical device. Designed to heal an entire planet. One person steps in and it resets the rest of the planet to that state. I was watched it and assumed as you would that this would turn everyone on Earth into a time lord. I did not think it would turn everyone on earth into The Master. Because that's stupid. What possible use could anyone have for a machine like that. A medical machine like that should surely just be looking at relevant medical data and such. Overwriting an entire planet's population to all be a single person is never ever EVER going to be useful. Even if the entire planet is almost dying it's still not fucking useful. So we're supposed to believe that this medical machine works like this on purpose and this is it's function. You know just more bullshit to swallow. It's not like anyone watching that far into the episode hasn't swallowed enough bullshit already. The absolute crowning moment of pure mind numbing awful though... that comes after everyone on the planet has turned into The Master and is doing silly dances (yes, silly dances are one of the new flavours of scary this year), when the Master comments that the human race is no more and that they have become the Master Race...



UGH! FUCKING GODDAMN FUCKING SHITBUCKET! This fucking episode sunk to a new low at that point. That was the point that I realised why all this silly convoluted nonsense was going on. It was all going on so that they could make that one awful joke. This entire episode has been written with the sole purpose of that joke. LAME LAME LAME LAME. This episode is dreadful and it's come pretty damn close in my eyes of rivalling Love and Monsters, and Midnight as the single stupidest most ridiculous episode of Doctor Who ever written. That said I'll still be watching on New Years hoping that somehow they manage to make a workable, believable plot out of this pile of shit, and I'll still be watching when the next series ends with the hope that Stephen Moffat might be able to reintroduce that characteristic that has been lacking recently: plausibility, into the series. Good luck Stephen. You've got a hell of a fucking job ahead of you.

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