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Portal - Cake 1

Top Ten Cake Based Events of The Year 2008

Posted on 2009.04.17 at 04:03
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Surprisingly when I have a determination to do something it can take me significantly less than three months. Voila.

10. New cake flavours invented at Pepperscotch Mill
Back in the olden days cakes were the height of fashion. As you walked down the street you would see proud housewives carrying freshly baked chocolate cakes, newlyweds feeding each other pieces of wedding cake, Alaskans high on illegal substances ironically carrying around Baked Alaska Cake and so on and so forth. However eventually people tired of the normal boring flavours of cakes. So fed up with these cakes were they that instead of eating them or bringing them into the bedroom for kinky fun with their partners they just threw them away. Not any more. Thanks to the wondrous work of Jake The Cake at Pepperscotch Mill there are thousands of new flavours of cake to choose from. These range from the gangster themed layer cake to the revolutionary chicken cake which periodically lays eggs and runs around the table for a couple of seconds after you’ve taken your first bite. Other exciting new recipes include the Gump Forrest Gateaux which insists on telling the customer how it was produced in copious detail before they can eat it, the Maxwell Tart which is like a Bakewell Tart except with a coffee bean instead of a cherry, a Caret Cake which is made of solid gold and is probably inedible, and Singerbread Cakes which are very tasty but difficult to eat as they burn the hands of anyone that touches them. There’s also a whole range of cupcakes of varying sizes starting with the tiny AA cupcakes and ending with the massive DD cupcakes. Pepperscotch Mill’s new flavours of cake have been hailed as a massive success and restaurants and Ann Summers stores worldwide have started stocking the delicious confectionary again.

9. CakeWorld was finally shut down
Many years ago before Harry Hanka’s Cake Factory was shut down for being unhygienic, needless dangerous and too awesome for words, Harry Hanka opened the door of his famous cake factory for four lucky winners. They had each found special golden tickets baked into their Hanker brand cakes. Those that survived the trip through Hanka’s cake factory described it as reminiscent of the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but with cakes instead of chocolate and Chinese people instead of Umpa Lumpas. After Hanka’s factory was closed down the public thought they would never see another child baked into a cake again, but they were wrong. The idea of a fabulous place with rivers of icing, boats of marzipan and iron maidens made of gingerbread lived on in the head of Bobrinksi Bucket (Charlie’s less well known brother). As soon as he was old enough to run his own business Bobrinski opened CakeWorld. All the fun and wonder of Harry Hanka’s Brilliant Bakery but laid bare for the whole world to see. Over a hundred people died in the first week alone as they succumbed to the temptation to swim in the marshmallow marsh or to wade into the jaffa hive. Protestors barricaded CakeWorld demanding an end to its tricks and traps and to the Chinese people singing songs about how foolish those who had died were. However most of the protestors didn’t even like cake and so the government decided that their opinion was irrelevant. Eventually the numbers of deaths calmed down until it seemed that maybe people were finally getting the hang of traversing CakeWorld without falling into the pit of toxic treacle or being assaulted by the vanilla vultures. However the recent deaths of seven people in a freak icing tsunami were too much for even heartless Bobrinski Bucket to ignore and he closed the park down, much to the relief of the general public.

8. Giant Cake Terrorizes Japan
Japan. Famous since before the dawn of time for the immense creatures that smash their way through it’s busy streets. So numerous and often are the attacks that on particularly busy days the massive creatures have had to wait patiently for a couple of hours while the buildings were rebuilt from a rampage earlier in the day. It has been theorized that these creatures exist in a state of constant war with each other, the city and sometimes even with themselves. However this year when the people of Japan awoke to find a giant gingerbread man rampaging through the busy streets they decided that they had had enough. Things had finally gone too far. They decided to fight back the only way they knew how. By building a giant robot to kill all those other giant monsters and giant gingerbread men and giant robots and with that PALADOSSUS 20XK was born. He was designed to fight only in places where he wouldn’t accidentally destroy anyone’s house or crush innocent bystanders under his colossal metallic footplates, to obey the laws of Japan and to always be kind to his mother. As such it wasn’t long before the other giant monsters were picking on him. More often than not he would end up running back home to the PALADOSSUS 20XK factory crying to his creators who for some reason had built fully functional tear ducts into PALADOSSSUS 20XK. Eventually things got really out of hand when PALADOSSUS came up with an idea how he could finally get his revenge on the monsters that bullied him, he did so the only way he’d been taught how. By building an even gianter robot to fight for him and with that KILLMAGEDDON STARDEATH THE THIRD was born. Unfortunately KILLMAGEDDON STARDEATH THE THIRD turned out to be so poorly programmed (PALADOSSUS 20XK hadn’t been taught programming language) that he sided with the evil giant robots and was made their king. The people of Japan are by now feeling like idiots and are just bracing themselves for the inevitable gianter still robot that KING KILLMAGEDDON STARDEATH THE THIRD will eventually build. For the legend says he will rend the earth in twain with his bloodied robotic talons.

7. Diamond Desserts is declared Worst Cake Shop Ever
To say that black jacket wearing biker Desmond Diamond was a bit of a tough guy would be an understatement. He is in fact so hard that he has officially been certified as the hardest thing in existence when hardness officials watched him slice straight through a diamond with just his fingernail. Desmond, known affectionately as the Diamond Geezer, is so hard that he rides a motorcycle made of diamonds and has a diamond tattooed on one of his teeth. One day his mate Graham Graphite was chatting to Desmond in the café in Bristol where Desmond was born. Graham made the bold claim that Desmond being as hard as he was lacked the capability to do nice things like pat an orphan on the head or bake a cake for a starving African. Desmond took offence at this and demanded to know whether Graham wanted to bet on it. Graham claimed that yes he would like to bet on it and that he’d like to bet twelve trillion pounds. Desmond accepted this offer and the bet to end all bets was on. Desmond’s first attempt at doing something that showed that he could care about and connect with the outside world was to adopt a child because some children need to be adopted sometimes and he thought this would be a good thing to do the world would think he was really great and sensitive. Logically it followed that the more children he adopted the better people would think of him. So he adopted as many children as he could fit into his motorcycle sidecar (eleven) and set off to nurture and care for them until they became adults and he could win his twelve trillion pounds. However Desmond’s lifestyle was far more detrimental to the raising of children than he had imagined. He soon found out that feeding them beer and steak was not appropriate and when one of the children escaped through an open window he decided they’d be easier to control if they were in a child sized hamster ball. Not long after that decision was made child services came and whisked the children away. (Off to a happy life with a loving family where nothing bad ever happened to them ever again. There! Happy now?)
Having failed at his first effort to do something to show he has emotions and can care about things Desmond decided he’d had enough and spent six months riding across America drinking beer and having wild sex with strangers. Then he decided to open a cake shop called Diamond Desserts. He decided that if he was going to make this cake shop a success then he was going to need a unique selling point, something that other cake shops didn’t have. He promptly designed a large selection of cakes which were completely and utterly unique. However such incredible ideas as the Steak Cake, the Bacon and Eggs Cake and the Pizza That You Find In A Box And You’re Not Sure Whether It’s Still Good Or Not But You Try It Anyway Cake all fell flat with people usually running screaming from his shop as though he was about to axe murder them with an axe. Diamond Desserts eventually shut down and Desmond had to sell his motorbike made out of diamonds to pay off the debt he owed. He made his way back to the café in Bristol at the end of the year and confessed he’d not managed anything that showed he was emotional. He told Graham about his misadventures in adoption and running a cake shop and Graham had gone what the fuck? how was running a successful cake shop supposed to show you were emotional? and Desmond had shrugged and taken another swig of his beer. Desmond proposed a counter bet. That they would double the wager and he would have another year to complete it but Graham would have to do something to prove that he was tough. Graham considered it and they agreed and geared up for the next year when Desmond would finally show Graham just how bleeding emotional he could be or die trying.

6. Derren Brown Gone Crazy Imagines Government Cake Conspiracy
Cybernetic Mind-Controller from the future Derren Brown recently reprogrammed his own brain for a lark. He had intended to believe he was a sexy lesbian called Katherine who practised sorcery and had a fetish for people with silly hats on, and he had intended that he only believe this for two hours because Lost would be on then and watching Lost can be confusing enough at times, nevermind if you think you’re an infulaphilic lesbian sorcerer. However he accidentally botched the reprogramming and ended up thinking he was a conspiracy nut called Gary who wore an anorak and liked to lick things to see if they really existed and unfortunately he botched it so that he would believe this for an entire month. Gary wandered the streets wondering where he was and how he got here. He wondered why he it seemed his family didn’t exist, why nothing he remembered seemed to exist and he came to the obvious conclusion that the government had wiped his memories and replaced them with fake ones to cover up the atrocities they had undoubtedly committed, like forcing him to work in the rhinoceros mines in Ipswich and buying him a coconut birthday cake when surely everyone knew he was allergic to coconut.
He resolved he had to take down the government and destroy the Air Loom they were surely using to control the minds of the general population. He could not let the government get away with preventing people from even knowing about the rhinoceros mine in Ipswich. Resolved on this course of action Gary using his clever powers of mental suggestion (for Gary was actually Derren Brown remember) managed to infiltrate the House of Commons and then sneak deep into the depths of the catacombs underneath them, finally entering the chamber where the Air Loom Gang were making people all over the UK believe that there is no such thing as a rhinoceros mine. Gary attempted to take on the Air Loom Gang by licking the Air Loom and hitting the Glove Woman with a stick, but they were too strong and they used the power of the Loom to paralyse him and change the colour of his eyes. The Air Loom Gang reprogrammed the Loom to make Gary believe he was dead whereupon his brain would shut down his organs one by one. Luckily at that point Derren’s real personality reasserted itself and he used a psychic ward to richochet the energy of the Loom back on the Air Loom Gang making them a victim of their own Loom program. Derren was proud of himself. He’d taken down the corrupt government that was secretly controlling the minds of the British Public. The people were free now to live their life how they wanted to live it. People would rejoice and there would be parades and celebrations in the street. Then Derren considered that while that would be nice it would be even nicer if everyone believed he was the King of England and so he reprogrammed the Air Loom and was coronated King of England the next day. Who will save Britain from the tyranny of Derren Brown and his unusual sexual proclivities? Is there really a rhinoceros mine in Ipswich? Is there really such a thing as a rhinoceros mine? What happened in that episode of Lost that Derren missed because he thought he was a conspiracy nut called Gary? Tune in next year to maybe find out the answers to these questions and possibly some you haven’t even thought of yet.

5. Spatial Anomaly Causes Temporary Cake-Centric Universe
For one bizarre day in May the world felt the delicious repercussions of a strange anomaly that was passing through our galaxy. The changes, since they didn’t directly affect people, were not noticed immediately, but as the day wore on more and more people became confused by the unusual events they were seeing on their televisions, in cinemas and pressed between the pages of books. Every single novel, movie or television program for the duration of one day was replaced with an alternate version from a dimension one over from ours. People reading Dune were surprised to discover that Arrakis was not highly valued for it’s spice mines but for it’s cake mines. Those watching Heroes were surprised to be introduced to a new character whose power was to create cakes out of thin air. Those who watched one of the popular horror film series Saw were surprised to see Jigsaw attempting to teach some cakes the value of fighting for their lives. News stories about thefts of cake ran on the news all over the world. Players of the computer game Portal were incredibly surprised to hear GLaDOS offering lesbians as an incentive to complete the test chambers. Unsurprisingly most people became quickly bored of the cake based plotlines of their favourite movies, books and TV shows and some even said that if they saw another cake it would be too soon. But others loved the weird and wacky world of constant cake plotlines and so as the spatial anomaly left our galaxy they hopped into a rocket and attempted to follow it into deep space. Some say they collided with the moon because they were so busy thinking about cakes they forgot to steer the damn thing while others say they found that spatial anomaly and travelled through into a dimension full of laughter and delicious cake for all. We will never know for sure, unless, you know, we take a glance at that big crater on the moon, right there where no craters used to be. That might be something of a clue.

4. Icing Discovered To Be Sentient
A scientist called Plinky McMacintosh was a well respected scientist who devoted his life to attempting to build a machine to communicate with penicillin. His wife, Anjanirinette, thought his endeavour was stupid and would constantly flash her breasts at him in the hope he might find something more interesting to do. Her for example. One night while he was trying to communicate with the medicine by teaching it sign language she organised a naked cake party for her and all her swinger friends. As the party went on Anjanirinette and her friends became very intoxicated and made their way into Plinky’s laboratory and attempted to get him to take off his clothes and join in the fun. It was then that one of the inebriated swingers accidentally dropped a gob of icing onto one of Plinky’s previous machines. A machine that measures for macroscopic brainwaves and converts them into speech. All of a sudden the machine said “Hello everyone! Isn’t today just full of sunshine and moonbeams and rainbow wishes?!” and Plinky came to the realisation that icing is not just a delicious thing to ice cakes with. It’s a sentient being with hopes and fears and feelings too. Once his wife and all of her annoyingly naked friends had gone off upstairs for some reason he got to work. Testing whether or not the icing talking was some kind of fluke or not. He reapplied the icing to the machine and it said “Hello Mr. Twinkleshine. Isn’t the world just gorgeousariffic? Sometimes I wish I could give the world a great big shiny hug and draw a smiley face into everyone’s soul”. He made copious notes as the icing chattered away and he was thrilled with his discovery. This would propel him into the prestigious Hall of Cake Based Scientists. However as he tried to sleep that night something was keeping him awake. Ethically he’d run into a dilemma because icing is tasty but it’s also sentient and thus you probably shouldn’t eat it. But it’s very tasty. He tossed and turned all night long unable to process such a dilemma. In the morning he went down, ignoring his wife’s bare breasts, and spoke to the icing again asking it how it felt about people eating icing. The icing replied “I feel just so uttery superly duperly fantastic about every little piece of information that comes shining out of your mouth. And that’s because you’re just the most delightful person I’ve ever had the delightfulness of meeting…” and so on for two hours. Eventually Plinky decided that since the icing was so brain-achingly annoying there wasn’t really any point in telling anyone about it and that even if he did find a way to communicate with penicillin it probably wouldn’t have anything useful to say. So he gave up his life of science and decided he’d spend more time having hot naked sex with his wife instead. A happy ending for everyone.

3. Mysterious Plague Infects Hundreds And Ruins Cake
It was a sunny and cheerful day in The Principalities with children having picnics in the park and nudists spraying each other with hosepipes. That’s when the Plague of a Thousand Screaming Deaths arrived. It started with Princess Jormungandr, which should be no surprise as Jormungandr loves being at the head of the latest trends. She awoke in agony, unable to move, every second her whole body pulsing in agony. It quickly spread across the Principalities through the Nyxian Kingdom and to the Principality of Fernex. One woman who was mourning the anniversary of Princess Fenrir’s extremely sudden and suspicious death was quoted as saying “Oh god the pain. It hurts it hurts. Please somebody help me. You with the microphone why aren’t you helping me?” Even Prince Fernex’s strangely robotic Toast Police were overcome with the incredible searing pain of the virus. By that afternoon every single person throughout the Principalities was infected with the Plague of A Thousand Screaming Deaths. Then after midnight on that fateful day we all became better again for no good reason. Some people accounted their sudden well being to the heroic actions of a teenager with shoulder length blonde hair, a black trenchcoat and fedora combination and a silly name. Other people claimed it was a herald of the oncoming apocalypse and that massive rhinocrabs were about to rain down out of the sky. It all depends on who you talk to. One survivor of the plague of a thousand screaming deaths said that the plague not only infected him but also a massive chocolate cake which started swearing in some kind of motherfucking cake language man and not only that, but it also infected the crack he was smoking at the time. Needless to say the cake was ruined and the people of the Principalities weren’t best pleased either.

2. Ellen McLain Ascends To Godhood
Portal. It was the worldwide sensation that changed the face of cake forever. From then on people regarded cake and the promise of cake with the bitter disdain and suspicion that such an offer deserved. However throughout the world cake fans and aficionados realised that the adventures of Chell and GLaDOS were nothing more than a computer game, not a plea sent out into the world with the hope of garnering cake for those in need. There was one entity that due to its relative inexperience with the world did not realise this. In Italy, on the island of Sicily, underneath the ancient city of Palermo lies a forgotten tomb, a vast maze of labyrinths, reservoirs and catacombs and at the very deepest and darkest depths there is a single chamber with a being made of pure primal energy. This is the chamber of Buccellato, the ancient and forgotten God of Cakes. It just so happened that one day two people were stood near a sewer grate and their voices by some fluke of nature bounced through the sewers and the tombs and the labyrinths and reservoirs and the catacombs and into the chamber of Buccellato and Buccellato heard them discuss the nature of cake. She came to a conclusion pretty quickly. Cake in this day and age was forgotten. It was thought to have never existed. To be some kind of lie. This would never stand. Buccellato quickly had a broadband connection and a top of the line computer fitted into her deep dark cavern and she played Portal and she discovered that the cake was not a lie after all. She came to the conclusion that GLaDOS needed to become the new God of Cakes. To spread the word of cakes to the uninformed masses and to fill their lives with joy and cakes. So she set out to find GLaDOS. Unfortunately since GLaDOS didn’t actually exist Buccellato ended up coming face to face with her voice actor, one Ellen McLain. Buccellato realised her mistake but she thought ‘well I’ve come a long way now. I should elevate someone to be a god’ so she did and Ellen McLain became a god. Became GLaDOS God of Cakes. Now the whole world is her plaything to use for her cake based science. Who will be able to save us now?

1. The Cake Is A Lie
Professor Englebert Von Killjoy made one of the largest cake based scientific breakthroughs ever this year. In doing so he joined the prestigious Hall of Cake Based Scientists which includes such distinguished scientists as Albert Ecclescake who discovered the theory of relativity to cakes (a theory that states if you move faster than the speed of cake you will get really hungry), Bundtjamin Franklin who discovered that cakes produce a kind of cake electricity (he named it cakelectricity) and Sir Issac Newtarte who theorised that gravity also applied to cakes but never tested his theory in case it proved true and it was a waste of a good cake. Returning to the subject of no-fun scientist Englebert Von Killjoy this year he started theorising that maybe cake does not really exist. While many called him mad and a good few thought he was cleverly referencing popular video game Portal, he persevered with his theory eventually growing some stubble and staring really hard at a whiteboard. One day while he wife was moaning that he doesn’t please her in bed any more because of all that staring at a whiteboard he does he had a breakthrough. He realised that before the creation of wheels there was no cake. He later put forth a theory that cakes are a mass hallucination being caused by our constant proximity to wheels. To prove his theory he had to trek deep into the Antarctic woods where he was certain no wheels could follow him. Englebert detoxed the wheels out of his system and discovered something shocking. Thanks to how he cleared his system of wheels he could see absolutely no cake anywhere in the frozen tundra that surrounded him for miles and miles around. Peoples reactions to his incredible breakthrough were many and numerous. He was lauded by women from all over the world, for now they could enjoy the good taste of imaginary cake without having to worry about any potential calories contained within. On the other hand he was bombarded with death threats from cake lovers the world over. He was posthumously given a nobel cake prize after being suffocated with a cake by a particularly irate overweight man. The particularly irate overweight man was given a nobel prize of awesomeness for managing to suffocate someone with something that wasn’t real. He has since set up a business as a cake based hitman operating out of Islington. One thing is for sure Englebert Von Killjoy will be sorely missed. A memorial to the great man was held at the Battenberg Centre for Scientific Excellence, where Elton John played a special composition all about the scientist.

“Eat a cake you crazy scienceman
Don’t hide away from the wheels.
Suffocated by a fatman.
I’m kind of glad you passed away.”

(to the tune of Tiny Dancer of course).

That's it till next year now. Potentially coming soon: New episodes of The Principalities... maybe.

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