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Tatu 37

This is quite random, it's a review, you should know what I'm gonna do...

Posted on 2008.08.20 at 00:53
Current Music:: Biffy Clyro - Mountains
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Today's random review title is to be sung to the tune of Biffy Clyro's new song Mountains by the way. Just in case you're wondering. Anyway guess what it's time for? A random review? That's right. Nice guess by the way. Anyway a random review is where I go onto wikipedia, hit random article and write a review on whatever the hell happens to pop up regardless of whether I know anything about it or not, hell regardless of whether I even understand it.

So anyway this week's Random Review is a review of the Flight Distance Record. Which is something to do with how far people can fly... or something. Who knows what goes on in the world eh? Not me for one.

Okay so apparently there's a whole bunch of people who've flown for a long time without refuelling. I already can see a fatal flaw in this record but if I revealed this flaw now it would be so devestating that it would cause the review to suddenly congeal like some kind of dish full of custard. Which let me tell you isn't a good way to start a review. Anyway it seems that a whole bunch of people managed to fly a whole bunch of aeroplanes over a whole bunch of distances. Bizarrely enough as planes get more and more sophisticated people can fly further and further and thus break the flight distance records. Strange that isn't it? However what is really strange, and not just sarcastically strange is the fact that two full years before the Wright Brothers decided that they were going to take to the sky in what must have been a giant paper plane with an engine sellotaped to it a mysterious man called Gustave Whitehead managed to fly a helluva lot further than they did on a mysterious plane called Number 21. And if that wasn't impressive enough for you he managed to do so in x seconds. X seconds isn't even a proper number of seconds. X is a letter, it does not strictly speaking belong in front of the word seconds unless someone was buying letters of the alphabet and they thought that the letter X was so good they went back to buy X seconds.

Admittedly I'm not an expert on world events or flight distance records but I am rather surprised that the famous pioneer Amelia Earheart isn't on that list. For all we, or should I say I, know she's still out there flying away into the wild black yonder beyond the sky, and beyond the stars and quite frankly beyond the limits of plausibility. And furthermore in all this time that she's been out flying into the space beyond space nobody has seen her, ergo nobody's been refuelling that prototype space plane that she was given to test, shortly before being mysteriously never seen again. One day she'll be back and upon that day she'll trounce all the other losers in this record table. I hope she brings back gifts for everyone. I hate it when people go away and don't even bother to bring you back a purple stuffed donkey in a straw hat.

Anyway onto the thing that makes all this irrelevant; the whole setting a record for flying dead far and everything it's all as pointless as giving a medal to someone who drives the fastest car in the Grand Prix. If someone built a plane which had a million bajillion gallons of fuel in it then it could fly for ages and ages without needing to be refuelled. It's all about who has the best technology, which means that all the pilots and passengers and stewardesses, those brave brave stewardesses, are all ultimately irrelevant in the flight distance record stakes.

Incidentally if this was about how fast a plane could fly I'd have the best snail/plane anecdote to tell you all and so just for this little paragraph disregard all the blather that has come before and pull up a chair to hear the best damn anecdote about snails and planes that you're ever likely to hear. That is unless Samuel L Jackson makes a new film called Snails on a Plane, or Snails in a Pail or something. You never know what that Samuel L Jackson is going to do. Anyway I've had enough of this motherfucking Samuel L Jackson in this motherfucking Random Review, so I'm just ignoring him and continuing with the review. Right so the question is "0.00275 metres per second is a world record speed, but for what?" Take a moment to consider a metre. Now take a moment to consider a second. Unless you fall into the category of people that this anecdote is about you should realise that this is a rather slow speed. It is rather obviously (obvious from all the talk of snails, not self-evident from the question) the speed of the world's fastest snail. It is NOT the world record speed for a plane. Not even slightly. Anyway that's what Sue answered and now I'll never let her forget it. Ever.

Anyway what was I randomly reviewing? Snails? Right so people always say that snails carry their home around on their back and it's such a trite saying that it makes me want to do things which are a) violent and b) poetically ironic to people who say it. It's not like carrying your house around on your back. There's no kitchen in there, there's no lounge, no Playstation 3 or Blu-Ray Disc player, there's no hot tub or ferris wheel... Okay most people don't have hot tubs or ferris wheels but you could. It's your house build it on the roof if needs be. It's like carrying your bedroom on your back. More accurately it's like carrying your bed on your back. Nothing more nothing less. It may sound like a petty grievance over a petty thing that's a bit petty but you try carrying your entire house and then carrying your bed. Carrying your bed isn't really possible either but it's a darn sight more likely than your whole house. Plus they don't carry it. They don't have backbones or arms. They're just a sort of gooey mess and it sits on top of them as they drag it around. I could probably drag my bed around if I was a gooey mess designed to drag a bed around but then I wouldn't really get anyone wanting to sleep with me.

So in conclusion the world record breaker for this review is the snail. For it can carry a bed on it's gooey mess and still find a way to propogate it's species. Hooray for the snail!

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