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Buffy - Willow and Tara

The Tale of Anton Du Beke

Posted on 2008.07.23 at 02:01
Current Mood:: crazycrazy
Tags: , ,


One day Anton Du Beke was walking through an enchanted supermarket in the land of Nyrrh when from amongst the fruit aisle an apparently misplaced fish called out to him.
"Mr Du Beke!" it whispered.

Supermarket Du Beke

Anton looked sideways at the fish in a suspicious manner.
"What is it fish?" asked Anton. "Are you going to promise me riches and gold for releasing you from your supermarket prison?"
"No." said the fish. "But I will offer you a trip to the set of Coronation Street." it continued. "Just look around you. You are already there."

Coronation Du Beke

"What trickery is this, fish?" asked Anton. "I don't even like Coronation Street."
"More fool you!" said the fish. "Coronation Street is brilliant. It's just like real life except on the television. There's this one character who is pregnant with twins and she doesn't know it but they're from different fathers and one of them isn't even hers!"
"As realistic as that sounds I don't care." said Anton. "I also don't appreciate being whisked to the set of Coronation Street when I'm in the middle of my shopping. It's a five minute walk back to that Supermarket you know."
"I'm sorry Mr. Du Beke." said the fish. "Let me make it up to you. Fancy a trip to Paris?"
"Not really." said Anton. "I just want to go shopping. I have very important lemons to purchase!"
"Too late I'm afraid Mr. Du Beke!" exclaimed the fish.

Eiffel Du Beke

"Isn't Paris lovely at this time of year?" asked the fish. "I lived here when I was a younger fish. I lived on top of the Arc De Triumphe with an Eel called Scaramanka."
"Take me back home now fish." said Anton. "I grow tired of Paris and it's overpowering stink of garlic."
"That's an incredibly racist thing to say." said the fish. "The stink is not overpowering! The official brochures classify it as 'just about tolerable'."
"Whatever." said Anton. "Just use your magical powers to get me out of here."
"I do not have magical powers!" said the fish. "My powers are the result of a genetic mutation. Have you ever seen the TV show Heroes."
"No." said Anton. "Please do not teleport me to the set."
"Well I got my powers like how they got theirs." the fish paused. "Actually how did they get their powers? Nevermind. What I'll do is I'll take you on a special tour to explain the origin of my powers."
"And I'll sit here and sulk." said Anton, sitting there and sulking.
"This is the swamp I grew up in. It's somewhat of a dump I know but it's home so I don't care." said the fish.
"This is Antarctica." said Anton.

Antarctic Du Beke

"Oh yeah." said the fish. "I thought it looked different from how I remembered it. That penguin over there is stood where I first learned that I had powers."
"I thought we established that you didn't actually grow up here." said Anton.
"Well if I had grown up here that penguin would be stood exactly where I first learned that I had powers." said the fish. "You know all those explorer guys that come up here looking to find the north pole?"
"Since this is Antarctica I assume you mean the South Pole." said Anton.
"No." said the fish. "Sometimes they come looking for the north pole because it's a bit like when you've lost your keys. They're always in the last place you look. Have you noticed that? It's weird isn't it?"
"No." said Anton. "It is not weird. They're always in the last place you look because once you find them you stop looking."
"Not me." said the fish. "I'm always looking for keys. If I ever see any it'll be terrifying because I'll know that at that moment I'm looking at the last thing I'll ever see."
"Hang on." said Anton reaching into his pocket. "I've got some keys."
"Okay I'll hurry the story up." said the fish. "Just don't get out the keys."
"I was aiming for the complete cessation of the story but I suppose a shorter story is better than nothing." said Anton.
"Anyway they were here looking for the north pole because they thought 'aha, the last place you'd expect to find it is in antarctica. So logically that must be where it is'." said the fish. "Anyway one of them dropped the wrapper for a chocolate bar and because of pollution and everything it turned into toxic waste which I accidentally touched one day. Now I'm a superfish."
"Good." said Anton. "Can I go home now?"
"Sure thing." said the fish. "Hold onto your hat Mr. Du Beke!"
"I'm not wearing a hat." said Anton.
"Then hold onto your hair." said the fish. "It looks precariously balanced."

Taj Mahal Du Beke

"This isn't my home." said Anton. "This isn't even close to my home!"
"It's somebody's home." said the fish. "I think anyway. I've never really understood what happens in the Taj Mahal.
"It's a mausoleum built under Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan in memory of his favorite wife, Mumtaz Mahal." said Anton. "At least I hope so. That might not be accurate because I learnt it off wikipedia."
"Wikipedia is notoriously unreliable." said the fish. "Every so often I go and replace all the pictures of famous celebrities with Rick Astley."
"You are quite a scamp." said Anton, ruffling the fishes hair.
"What's that you are doing?" asked the fish.
"I'm ruffling your hair." said Anton. "It's what you do when you call someone a scamp."
"But I don't have any hair." said the fish.
"Oh that's right." said Anton. "I'm ruffling my own hair. What a crazy random happenstance that was."
"It sure was." said the fish. "Mind if I ruffle your hair?"
"You don't have arms so you can't." said Anton.
"Who said I don't have arms?" asked the fish.
"Nobody." said Anton. "You just don't."
"You can't see what's off the edge of this picture." said the fish. "I could have loads of arms."
"You don't though do you?" asked Anton.
"Not to speak of." said the fish. "Where shall we go next on our world tour?"
"Back to the supermarket we met at perhaps?" asked Anton. "My lemons aren't going to purchase themselves."
"Done and done." said the fish with a grin.

Supermarket Du Beke

"Wow." said Anton. "We are genuinely back at the Supermarket." He paused. "If you'd just excuse me a moment I've got a couple of things I need to attend to." Anton sprinted away from the fish, abandoning all of his shopping and fled across the street. He'd ran for about ten minutes when he finally came to a stop in a park.

Park Du Beke

"Hello." said the fish. "That looked like fun. I wish I could run but I lost my legs in the war. Just walking along minding my own business and suddenly I realise I've left my legs somewhere. Of course I try and think back to when the last time I saw them was but I never could find them again."
"Why are you following me?" asked Anton.
"Because we're friends." said the fish. "Amigos, compadres, brothers in arms, co-conspirators, companions, colleagues, pals."
"I'm not your friend." said Anton.
"No man is an island you know, or is that Norman is an island." said the fish. "I did know a man called Norman and he was very fat. I don't know whether he qualified as an island though. You probably couldn't live on him, although if you were very hungry you could live off him."
"I have plenty of other friends." said Anton. "I'm just not your friend."
"How about we go on a date then?" asked the fish. "I don't normally swing that way but there are exceptions. You remember I was telling you about my friend Scaramanka? Well one night me and him got very drunk after having far too much rosé. One thing led to another and then we had full on eel-on-fish gay sex."
"Shut up!" shouted Anton. "If there's one thing that would be worse than being your friend it would be going out with you!"
"Okay." said the fish. "We can be just friends. Although it might be a bit weird since we've been dating but I'm sure we can both put that in the past and be very happy for one another."
"Right!" said Anton. "That's it! I'm getting rid of you in the only way I know how."
"Are you going to sing a song?" asked the fish.
"No!" yelled Anton.
"No?" asked the fish. "I could choreograph a dance sequence for you. I used to work as a choreographer."
"Go away!" yelled Anton, running away. It wasn't long before he reached his destination; the local fish and chip shop.
"Fish and Chips?" asked the fish. "Some people have no taste. If you really insist on eating fish in front of me, which is so insensitive by the way, then why not have some sushi?"
"You can't come in here!" shouted Anton. "This is a fish and chip shop! They'll grab you, fillet you and cook you."
"You make a good point." said the fish. "'Cept we're not in a fish and chip shop." He paused. "We're on the surface of Mars."

Mars Du Beke

"Oh yeah." said Anton. "How come I can breathe? Don't I need oxygen."
"I'm a magic fish." said the fish. "And you're standing on the surface of another planet. Stop trying to be rational. You'll only get in the way."
"So what are we doing on Mars then?" asked Anton.
"We're here to fight the villain of course." said the fish. "He's a squid who goes by the name of Dominique. Every week we'll have a new adventure. Travelling to exciting locales all over the world and eventually having a grand showdown with Dominique the evil squid. It'll be TV gold."
"Except this isn't TV." said Anton.
"Or is it?" asked the fish.
"No." said Anton. "It's definately not."
"Oh." said the fish. "Then I don't suppose you want to see our secret high tech base of operations where we plan our missions and use the latest in high tech gadgetry."
"Not really no." said Anton. "I'd prefer it if you left me alone."
"Oh." said the fish. "Why didn't you say?" And quickly the fish blinked out of existence. Anton looked around the desolate surface of Mars and sighed, before trudging off into the Martian sunset.

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