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Buffy - Willow and Tara

Too Much Information

Posted on 2004.05.28 at 15:47
Tags: , , , , , , , ,
So, i've just come out of the evil chemistry practical exam, and what did I say it was going to be? a titration... and what was it? the exact same titration that the entire class had practised this very monday... using the exact same volumes and everything. It was kind of freaky, but helped me out as i probably wouldn't have understood any other experiments that they may have wanted me to do. Then after that it was a finding a gradient on a graph exercise... talk about easy, i could have done it blindfolded... well not blindfolded, with one arm tied behind my back is a distinct possibility though, as long as it wasn't the hand I can write with... otherwise I would have been able to do it, but wouldn't have been able to write it down... and also, an exam where people get blindfolded and/or one hand tied behind their backs as a handicap? That's a world gone mad my friend... forget Iraq and all that, the real madness comes when I get to tell people what to do in otherwise ordinary circumstances. There should be a TV show like that, where I get to boss people around, with hilarious results... it should be like a sitcom or something... like erm... 'Everyone is mildly disturbed by Cube' or some other clever pun on a well know sitcom... or maybe i should just become a gameshow host... they get people to do daft things anyway... I'd make up the rules as I went along, have a beautiful hostess with me, and would have people have to lie down for certain questions, and i'd lower spiders from the ceiling and get goblins to dance in the background or something... in fact, you know what i'd like to see? A sitcom concerning the production and running of a gameshow... a bizarre gameshow you understand, but a gameshow nonetheless... It'd be a good idea, but would any of those big media conglomerates listen to me? Hell as like. What we should do is we should march on the big media companies and demand that they listen to me... and this isn't the peaceful kind of taking to the streets either, this'd be the type with wholesale looting and pillaging, you know, just for the fun of it. Then the media giants would be forced to listen to us... because well it's not like you can ignore 3 or 4 people tipping over bins and pillaging people as they walk past is it? Actually that probably isn't the best plan I have ever come up with.

Man... can you believe I'm stuck around this stinking college, pointlessly till 1:45 at the moment its 11:26. This is very likely to be a long entry, so if i were you i'd take a break at this point, go and grab a kitkat, put the kettle on, go and get a nice footstool... you know one of the ones that looks like a dead dog (if you can't find one, then a dead dog will suffice) and then prepare to read this journal entry, which I'm likely to continue writing for 2 and a quarter hours... in fact... if I were you I'd go and just bash my head against a brick wall instead... it's probably quicker than the gibberish that will be force fed down your neck in the following torrent of mindless chatter that I will very shortly be spewing forth into the world.

Okay, have all those lousy people who can't be bothered with long winded rants gone to attack the walls with their heads? Thank god, you know I can't stand those guys, always going on about how they hate everything that you do and all that... I really think it is a bit pointless, if they don't like my inane dribble... which sometimes comes out of my ears... [takes a moment to picture that one]... [takes a further moment to contemplate the extreme stupidity and pointlessness of that metaphor. I mean its not even slightly accurate... if the dribble is my inane chatter, then when have i ever spoken out of my ears? Perhaps I should stop using these metaphors as a quick fix of pure insanity to inject into any given situation.] Erm... what the hell was I saying... something about dribbly ears or something? Oh right... if they don't like my nonsense, or goobledegook (this word sounds better so i henceforth claim right to it) or even my gibberish, then why do they read the stuff that I write... I mean I'm just sitting here thinking, 'dear god, when will all the complaining end?'. Or something... something not very positive in regard to that kind of person anyway. So, they've gone have they? No?! I thought they would have left so i could do some good old fashioned talking behind their backs... my life is now officially a shambles... with nobody to turn to (having insulted them all) and no cash (having spent it all) I'm going to have to move to California... and join some kind of family there, and just generally have a good time while all the women dress in swimsuits and stuff... [drools a bit].

Okay so the situation doesn't sound quite as dire when it's put like that, but just you realise the amount of taxis i'm going to have to run away from without paying on the way there and you'll see its possibly the riskiest venture since Wellington, at the battle of Waterloo, said, "Hang on chaps... how about we go flying in with a giant purple turtle who can spit grenades... which haven't even been invented yet... at the enemy?" This was around the point that his officers started making jokes about his sanity behind his back and he had the entire army executed for insubordination... then he flew home on his giant flying purple turtle... which must prove something. Maybe the moral of the story is not to cross someone who has your life in his hands and a giant purple turtle which spits grenades at people at his disposal. Then again perhaps the moral of the story is that even the most insane people are perfectly sane in their own little world... perhaps people that are insane are only so because they were placed in the wrong world... while their mind wanders unfettered and free through enchanted forests and glades, their body is bouncing around in a rubber room shouting random profanities about elves and how it is impossible to get these stubborn grass stains out of their tunic. Well my advice is turpentine... and matches... theirs nary a stain alive that can survive the brutal onslaught of our old friend fire... and where would the world be without fire eh? Well in this specially prepared clip that I have prepared specially I attempt to find out... Roll the tape.

[Two men sat in a box]
First man: I'm cold.
Second man: I am cold also.

Well, now that that has been cleared up we can finally begin to wonder what the world would be like if we didn't have water... I envisage a similar scenario, only with both men being thirsty instead of cold. If we were to take away Earth then we'd probably see them just sort of hovering in space saying about how bored they are, and if we take away air we see them sitting their discussing how much they are suffocating... It truly is amazing what can be done with a single idea flogged to death isn't it?

I seem to have gone off track... correction... I seem to have gone so far off track that I was plunging through houses a while back, now I am bearing down upon the ocean and am about to jump from the speeding train in a manner that would fit the now legendary Indiana Jones, and his child companion, whose only line I can remember is something about potatoes. Although you know that when you use Indy for your daring train top escapes there will be a car with a load of snakes in it, and some kind of evil ninja in a cloak. The same ninja in fact that runs the local ninja gas station, which even I must admit is by far the best ninja gas station in all the land... hurry down now for rock bottom prices... and then turn back and refill your fuel tank because i don't think you'll have enough to get back on. The ninja's name is Dave by the way... he probably has some kind of cool alias in the film though, and a minecart sequence... Indy always has a minecart sequence, and theres always a bit of the track gone missing, and you think he's going to be plunged into oblivion but, no! The cart just scrapes it to the other side... Although I've heard that when they film those kinds of scenes the actors lifes are never in danger and they use a giant flying purple turtle to simulate the falling. This was somewhat of a ripoff until I realised that I was talking absolute nonsense anyway, and they were far more likely to use a black flying turtle, so that it would fit in with the background and not be seen by all those demonic viewers with their eyes trained to the corner of the screens, just searching for inconsistencies, then laughing till the cows come home when they find one.

What is it with these cows anyway? I mean they must be like total rave cows or something as they never seem to be home. But of course that's good because it allows people to get up to all kinds of mischief without having to leave the comfort of their own home... the best trick of course is to hang a bucket of whitewash over the door, which you can both annoy and surprising the homecoming cows with. Then again the cows will be expecting it, so they'll push open the door with a broom or something... so you need to double bluff them or something... attach an imp to the ceiling and let him rain down whitewash on the intruding cows... this is a good point anyway, who the hell has cows living in their house, and why? It's not like milk isn't cheap enough, theres no need to carry around a fully replenishing supply and call it Daisy... why is it that every cow in the world is named Daisy, and they all like grass... what is the likelihood that every specimen in a species likes the same thing? Not likely I'd have thought. I propose the following experiment... I propose that we get four groups of cows... and with the first group we give them ordinary grass... with the second group we give them hamburgers and ketchup with masses of grilled cheese and a pickle on the side. The third group shall recieve jam sandwiches and if there are no jam sandwiches left then they shall recieve marmalade sandwiches... which reminds me, we should feed the cows some marmite, to finally discern whether they hate it or they love it... anyway for the fourth group we feed them some profiteroles filled with lovely cream and chocolate... and then we see which set of cows dies the first. In fact there is the next reality TV show for you, right there. It'll be a massive hit... there will be a revival of cow shows with Sky One putting on 'Suffolk Uncovered' which looks at the sex lives of cows in suffolk and stuff... In fact why, oh dear god why am I still talking about cows... they are probably like the most boring animals ever. The most interesting ones that ever get on TV, just sit there and munch on their grass, except for a couple which laugh relentlessly whenever their name comes up in a conversation. These are hardly superstars though... now sheep on the other hand...

Sheep are like what clouds would be if they were given legs... in fact I firmly believe that clouds are sheep that have inhaled too much helium and have started a permanent orbit around the planet. Don't ask what the rain is, trust me you don't want to know... or perhaps you do... I have no way of knowing do I? I'll just let you decide what lightning and snow is (I think snow is probably sheeps dandruff or something). I suppose it may be profitable to send up a team of crack explorers to shear the clouds and uncover the truth, no matter what it may eventually turn out to be... I could even make a movie about it... I'd have David Gray play the cloud upon which their journey is centred. Lucy Liu would play the very sexy scientist, because there is always one. Bill Bailey would play the scientist/drug dealer who hangs around with the group mainly because he believes he can sell the cloud cuttings, and the rest of the characters would be played by Ross Noble in various different hats. In the sequel they will go to the moon to find out whether it really is a giant tyrannasaurus egg that was launched into space at the time that the meteor hit, and then it'll hatch and they have to battle the giant t-rex in space... and the t-rex will be played by Ross Noble, this time wearing a pimp hat. Imagine the special effects! The film would be spectacular...

Well thats me sufficently drained of ideas for now... now to email it back to myself and post it when i get home.

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