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Timesplitters - Jo-Beth Casey

Random Review 3

Posted on 2008.02.07 at 00:41
Current Music:: Lene Marlin - Fight Against The Hours
Tags: , , , , , ,
Okay so here we go. This is the weekly feature in which I go onto wikipedia hit the random article button and write a comprehensive review about whatever turns up. So what is up this week? Why it's Coolhouse Productions of course.

Coolhouse Productions is a Finnish software and web design company. They wear things that are soft and design webs for spiders and things of that ilk. So what better to evaluate them on but their games. The first game they made is a game called Life in Latexila. Which I've not played but I'm assuming is a game about a man who lives in the Latexila, the hot goth cousin of Godzilla. You can't fault that for a game concept. Or possibly you can because it sounds mental, but at least it's original and not just another GTA Clone. Unless of course you drive around the various internal organs of Latexila getting missions from red blood cells, picking up prostitute platelets and generally running from the police white blood cells. Which is just weird.

Anyway that's the first game that they made the second game was a game called Northen Light. That game is just full of fail straight from the start. The fact that they could only afford to have one northen light in the game makes it pretty poor. An alternate title they were thinking of using was Aurora Boreali. Because they can only afford one you see. That's where that joke is. So after that they made a game called Invader: The Annihiliation. Which is not a bad name but a bit confusing. Who is invading? What's being invaded? Who is this Annihiliation aimed at? It seems a bit hostile for a game name. Then there's their latest offering Gekkeiju Online. Which fails because it's hard to spell.

To be fair I'm just judging the games by their name which is like judging a book by it's cover but worse. With a books cover you not only get the name you get an illustration, the author and a blurb. Then again those names did sound like names of failure. It's like with films. No film which is named after a place is good (Sin City is the exception because it is the nickname of the city rather than the actual name (Basin City)). Just go through your collection and look for a good film named after a place. Can't do it? That's because they don't exist. If it's named after a place it means that nothing exciting enough to warrant giving the film an actual name happens. Anyway that's rather beside the point of this review. This review is supposed to be about Coldfish Productions or Coolhand Productions or something. Possibly it's about Cool Hand Luke in which case I've really wandered off the point.

Anyway Cool Hand Luke is a film about a man who is in prison for chopping up some parking meters or something. All in all that's a pretty wimpish crime. How can they have a main character so wimpish and dandyish fopping his way through life eh? It's not hard to chop up a parking meter. You can be fairly certain that they aren't going to struggle and there probably won't be a gang of parking meters waiting outside your door the next morning and even if there was the most they could do is make you pay a fine for having your car improperly parked. They can't beat you up or anything. Lame Hand Luke more like. Also why is his hand so cool? What's he been doing to it. My theory is that he's had it cyrogenically frozen so that long after he's dead it can carry on vandalising parking meters.

So in summary Cool Hand Luke is a film about a man who has done the lamest crime ever and goes to prison for it, and Coolhouse Productions is a games company that isn't very good at thinking up names for games. Which is best? There's only one way to find out...! FIGHT!

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