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Buffy - Willow and Tara

Top Ten Best Hats of the Year

Posted on 2008.01.01 at 11:22
Current Music:: The Used - I Caught Fire
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And now because I’m bored and I’ve decided to do this a little earlier than publicised here are the top ten best hats/hat based events of the year. Because I haven’t actually waited a year imagine these events happen simultaneously alongside the lesbians/lesbian events.

10. The world’s largest hat factory destroyed by a team of anti-hat protesting dancers.
This by itself may sound particularly exciting and destructive of those anti-hat protesting dancers but not only did they destroy the world’s largest hat factory they destroyed the factory producing the world’s largest hats. It is believed that the assault was led by Eville Von Bastarde, once thought of as the best flamenco dancer in the world but one day he discovered the dark arts of the flamenco ninja and he has danced the deadly dance of the flamenco ninja ever since. Despite this it appears that the rest of the anti-hat protesting dancers were amateurs and were just using Danger Dan's patented Danger Dance to cause a maximum amount of danger around the factory. The owner of both factories Cattus McHattus has declared war on all dancers everywhere, especially flamenco dancers. To facilitate this war she sent out a swarm of prototype Hatsquitoes which hunt down and infect dancing people with horrible blood diseases.

9. Homburgs and Sunhats have become extinct.
In fact it’s not just Homburgs and Sunhats. Times have been hard for a lot of hats this year. For example there are only five bowler hats left in existence, and these are at hat zoos throughout the world. It’s reported that Venice Hat Zoo is going to send a bowler hat to the Nepal Hat Zoo in the hope that they can reinvigorate the species. It’s thought that this decline in hats is due to the increasing popularity of not wearing hats. Originally a game played between the working classes this obscene sport has reached disastrous levels, why only last week the Prime Minister, Ross Noble, was seen without his trademark top hat.
In order to attempt to compensate for the loss of the beloved Homburg and Sunhat hat scientists have created a new special type of hat which is set to be all the rage this year. It is a fusion between the fun Sunhat and the noble Homburg and is to be called the Sunburg. Some sceptics have said that this is all a publicity stunt and the Sunburg is a stupid gimmick that will never catch on, and that this whole situation would never had arisen if all the hat scientists weren’t too busy being lesbians and watching Tarantino films but these criticisms have been dismissed as rabid blather, irrelevant, boring, a trick of the wind, false and depressing.

8. The Research and Develophats department of HatsCorp have created the world’s most technologically advanced hat.
The Research and Develophats department have really outshone themselves this year creating a masterpiece: the Lasehat, the first hat made entirely out of lasers. This hat is somewhat impractical for everyday use but with tuning it can be adapted to almost any situation. For example if the lasers are changed from passive hat mode to aggressive hat mode they become deadly flesh slicing lasers that will deal harshly with anyone attempting to hit you on the head. They can also be changed to security hat mode where they’re like those security lasers out of films. If anyone tries to steal your hat all the alarms in the vicinity will blare as an indication. Other modes include entertainment hat mode, cooking hat mode, deadly virus hat mode, nuclear hat mode, cursed hat mode and earthquake hat mode. Cooking hat mode is a useful mode if you are lost in the wilderness with no way to cook your food you can use your Lasehat of course (provided you have either an electrical outlet or a generator capable of provide enough power for a small city.

7. The Patron Saint of Hats has returned from the dead.
Saint Clements the aforementioned Patron Saint of Hats was unfortunately killed in a freak accident off the coast of Casablanca a million and a half years ago. At the time Saint Clement was trying to invent lots of sports involving his latest creation, the hat. He’d already created; hatball which is a bit like football but you can only touch the ball with your hat, hattis which is like tennis except instead of using rackets to knock the ball back and forth you use hats (various techniques exist dependant on the type of hat which is played with), hatkey which is like hockey but instead of using a puck they instead use a small hard fez hat, ice hatkey which is like hatkey but on ice, and hatbogganing which is like tobogganing but with a giant hat instead of a toboggan and a mountain made of hats and receipts for hats instead of a mountain made out of rocks and snow and things. He was in Casablanca trying to master his latest creation; hatting, which is like yachting but with a hat when it tragically sunk and died. It wasn’t till afterwards at his funeral when one of his dearest friends placed a hat on his head out of respect that Saint Clements’ invention finally found a useful purpose.
For many years fans of hats have speculated that Saint Clements intended to drown and that he has gone down to Atlantis to build new and ever more brilliant hats, so when he walked up from the ocean pulling a small underwater dinghy full of brilliant hats which had never been seen before, it seemed many fans wildest prayers had been answered. However when he found out that people were wearing his beloved hats on their head like they were an item of clothing rather than the sporting accessory that they so obviously are he was very angry and burnt one of the hats of a man who was wearing multiple hats.
Saint Clements couldn’t find peace, everywhere he went people were mocking him with their improper use of his product, and his legacy to the world. This ceaseless torment and persecution lead to him cutting off all contact from the world except to host his annual hattis tournament in June. It is claimed by hat fans everywhere that he is on the verge of suicide, while it is claimed by sports fans everywhere that he is on the verge of getting a good kicking.

6. Tin Foil Helmets for Paranoid People are to be made in bulk by Hats Inc.
Since the dawn of time paranoid people have liked to be paranoid people. Before there was a unified government paranoid people used to think that God was doing lots of conspiracies and covering things up. For example paranoid cavemen used to think that when animals came out in the morning as though the night hadn’t happened it was some kind of cover-up from god. As if to deny that night time exists. Times have changed however and the modern paranoid person can’t be taken serious without some crackpot theory that the government is listening in on their thoughts with some kind of magical piece of Eden satellite, air loom, Derren Brown or a very big microscope. And to fully pull off the whole ‘crackpot listening in on your thoughts theory’ look there is one piece of millinery that is essential. The tin foil helmet. It’s what separates the amateur suspicious person from the seasoned professional paranoid person.
Hats Incorporated have picked up on the Paranoid People subculture and launched a range of Tin Foil Helmets just for them. They launched them in a variety of colours and even a variety of more comfortable fabrics. However Hats Incorporated’s marketing department was fired after this venture proved to be an unprecedented failure. They didn’t think it properly through and obviously to any paranoid out there any corporation offering to sell them anything useful is obviously the enemy. For obvious reasons. Hats Incorporated has since gone out of business.

5. Hat Wins The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor.
(previously on the top ten best things of the year: a knife won last years X Factor by 166%. Simon Cowell who moonlights as a private detective on the weekend decided to set up a competition to find out who rigged the X Factor called Who Rigged The X Factor Factor.)
Auditions for the Who Rigged The X Factor Factor weren’t as crowded as the auditions for the regular X Factor with only suspicious looking men, Ant and Dec, the hosts of Blue Peter and hordes of idiotic people desperate to appear on TV going to the auditions.
There was lots of scandal about the Who Rigged The X Factor Factor cast this year. Louis Walsh was fired and it was suspected that this occurred so that he could audition for the show. Rumours were rife with ways that he might have rigged the X Factor, and the auditions even started without him. However Cowell relented and let him back on. This caused further speculation that Louis and Cowell were in it together.
The auditions were tough and it must have been even tougher for the judges (literally judges in their current roles) to pick from the auditionees as they were all so convincing that they had rigged the X Factor. In the end only Ant and Dec, a hat and a crazy looking white haired man called Rhydian made it through to the finals. The public voted Ant and Dec off, saying that they couldn’t seriously believe Ant and Dec could rig anything, stating incompetence as the reason. The final show was nail bitingly exciting and in the end the hat won the show and was executed live on air. However the story was about to take another dramatic turn. Minutes later Simon Cowell was forced to admit that it seemed that the show had been rigged and the hat received 167% of the vote. Rhydian then dramatically announced that he’d done it. He’d rigged the vote last year and this year and he’d damn well rig the vote next year, then he disappeared into the night. Simon Cowell has posted a handsome bounty for whoever can find Rhydian and bring him to justice. He’s planning to televise it next year under the title: The Bring Rhydian To Justice Factor.

4. Universe Full of Hats Discovered.
The Ministry of Attack (a secret branch of the government that develops super high tech weapons) has inadvertently discovered a universe entirely full to the brim with hats. Although this top secret project was initially kept under wraps one of the scientists involved in the project accidentally left a portal to the hat filled universe open one night and within minutes the Ministry's headquarters was completely flooded with hats that came pouring out.
The Ministry of Attack had been developing a machine to slice into other dimensions in the hope that it might be useful as some kind of weapon. Unfortunately they haven't yet found a dimension containing anything even slightly dangerous, although there was one dimension full to the brim with shrimp. One representative told the press that despite there not being very many useful dimensions out there the device would still present a useful advantage in that most enemy combatants would not expect anyone to suddenly slice a hole in the universe from which would pour a flood of hats. He went on to say: "It would really give our soldiers the element of surprise, and fashionable headgear in case they lose their helmet." When asked how our soldiers would not be swept under the flood of hats he proudly announced that the Ministry was currently developing Hat Proof Boots.

3. Mutant Hat Person gets the vote.
A mutant hat person was created earlier this year when a man, who had just been accidentally infected with a parasitic radioactive virus, fell twelve storeys from the roof of the nuclear power plant and landed in a large box of hats which was being delivered to the hat shop next door to the nuclear power plant. Trilby, as he likes to be known, has no memory of his life as a human and that he has only ever existed as a half-man half-hat.
Ever since Trilby found out about the poor living conditions of hats all of the world, he has been on a one man crusade to free hats from their oppressive owners. His efforts as a hat vigilante have distanced him from a lot of people, especially stuck up and ridiculous politicians who denied Trilby the right to vote. After ceaseless protesting from hat fans everywhere including Ross Noble, who was later elected Prime Minister of England, politicians eventually gave up and allowed Trilby not only one vote as he is legally entitled to but an extra vote, as a sign of goodwill towards hat people everywhere.

2. Mysterious Tribe of Kepis slink into Jormungandr.
After 95% of the inhabitants of the Principality of Jormungandr killed themselves after a confusing incident involving lesbians and spoons, a mysterious tribe of Kepis snuck into the outskirts of the Principality. The Kepis are a strange kind of creature. They are mysterious and shadowy, perpetually enveloped in a dark mist as if to occlude their true nature.
Many of the remaining humans in Jormungandr (most of whom are clones) have expressed deep levels of suspicion about the Kepi. But Princess Jormungandr in typical fashion isn’t particularly bothered and has so busy attempting to teach the Kepi about fashion that she hasn’t noticed that all the roads out of the Principality have been blocked off by the Kepi and that if all goes well then they’ll only starve to death. If the Kepi have some horrible plan up their sleeves then maybe they won’t even last that long.

By the way a Kepi is a type of hat. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

1. Harrison Ford Ascends To Godhood.
Harrison Ford, better known as Han Solo and Indiana Jones has recently been filming another Indiana Jones film. It was to be called Indiana Jones and the Deus Infula. It was to be about the legendary Deus Infula. The hat of the gods. It is said that the Deus Infula was left behind by the Gods after they had created the world and that any mortal who wears the Deus Infula will have the power of the Gods themselves. It vanished from history after the fall of the Roman Empire. It is said that after the power of the Romans people had realised that it was not for man to have such power and the Deus Infula had been locked away so that it could never be exploited in such way ever again.
They were filming in a tomb deep underneath Venice and at the fateful scene was Indy was to use the power of the Deus Infula to destroy the evil Nazis something astonishing happened. It turned out that the Deus Infula wasn’t the prop that was supposed to be there, but in fact the real Deus Infula, which had been locked away deep underneath Venice and forgotten about for years, and right then and there Indy ascended to Godhood. Since then Indyism, which was a somewhat neglected and cult religion beforehand, with just two members, has blossomed into a thriving community almost rivalling that of t.A.T.u.ism.

And thats it for hats and top tens of things for the year. I'm not even planning on saying what the next one will be about as if I do I'll probably write it tomorrow. Although I've covered lesbians and hats, only one pillar of the Holy Trinity is left (Tarantino) although it would be somewhat more difficult to make a top ten list of things that have happened involving Tarantino. I can still try, and probably tomorrow I would imagine.

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