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Tatu 5

Top Ten Best Lesbians of the Year

Posted on 2008.01.01 at 09:38
Current Music:: The Used - The Taste of Ink
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Last year I promised that there’d be a top ten run down of the best lesbians/lesbian events of this year and since I’ve never broke a promise to date (as if) here is the rundown of the top ten lesbians of the year. Including some actual facts and some random nonsense.

10. It was revealed that the Earth is a living thing, female and also a lesbian. The Earth is now undoubtedly the world’s most famous lesbian, as she is the world. However she is not the most famous lesbian on Earth because she isn’t on Earth. She is Earth. The Earth tried unsuccessfully to have relationships with some of the most famous lesbians on the Earth but it just didn’t work out so she strayed from her usual orbit, saying she was getting bored with it anyway, and went out amongst the other planets looking for a girlfriend. She had a brief fling with the Sun. However when half of the planet was destroyed she had to end the relationship. Recently she has found love with Jupiter and they merrily idle the months away orbiting around one another in a lesbian sort of a way.

9. All women on the planet became lesbians for one magical day. Some called Professor Cubius Von Lesbiartus an evil scientist or a mad scientist, although most didn’t even call him a scientist because he was that mad, but the truth will finally come out one day that he wasn’t evil or mad or a scientist. But that he was a truly brilliant man trying to do his best for both mankind and lesbiankind. Professor CVL discovered that all women possess a lesbian gene buried deep in their deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA. Making it less deoxyribonucleic and more deoxyribonuclesbianic. Real women, proper lesbian women have their lesbian gene fully activated, whereas those repressed women who aren’t even lesbians and have never had it off with another woman in their lives don’t have their gene activated as it should be. Professor CVL found a clever way to activate all the lesbian genes of all women all over the planet. This marvellous turn of events lasted for an entire day before the evil government of lesbianists barged into the innocent professors lab and shot him dead and turned off his brilliant, and magnificent device. Sad, but true.

8. Pope Paris Hilton has revealed to the world that she is a lesbian. The Pope, Paris Hilton (for why see number 8 of last years top ten) revealed that she was a lesbian a scant week after being elected to the post of Pope. She stunned the religious community with her outrageous(ly awesome) revelations, and the squares from the religious community said that she wasn’t allowed to be the Pope anymore but with the aid of Michelle Rodriguez, who aside from playing Ana-Lucia on hit TV show Lost is also a raving lesbian lesbianing her way about the world, she chopped off the head of anyone who was opposed to her being the Pope. It was a bit like that scene in Kill Bill with Lucy Liu chopping off that man’s head who said she couldn’t be leader of the gang because she was half English or something. After that Paris Hilton burnt the bible and said “right we’re going to start from scratch. No ridiculous stories about nothing in particular.” Then she completely rewrote the Christian faith so that it essentially boiled down to “treat people how you’d like to be treated unless you are a masochist” and united the world in a state of brilliant world peace. She has since been given another Nobel Peace Prize and is hotly tipped to be the next President of America.

By the by if you’re struggling to fit Michelle into the whole decapitation of people who doubt Paris scenario imagine Michelle as the Gogo to Paris’ Lucy Liu.

7. The First Lesbian Robot was invented, and made commercially available. They weren’t intended to be a lesbian robot but some people just are lesbians naturally, by nature and it turns out that so are some robots. Lesbot 6000 was designed to be a rowing robot that would work on a team of four Lesbots which would then row in synchronicity depending on the whims of the owner of the boat. However a major design flaw was revealed when it was discovered that when in the company of other Lesbots they decline to do any rowing preferring to make out with each other. Last year there was estimated to be zero incidents of furiously bored rowers attacking lesbian robots with oars, there has this year been an increase of thirteen million percent.
Many Lesbots have moved out of the city after one too many furiously bored rower attacks and are moving to a small city built in the countryside by a Lesbot and her partner as a sanctuary for Lesbots, a place called RoboLestopia.

6. The Lesbian was declared the national currency of Jormungandr. The small principality of Jormungandr has never been known for it’s sane inhabitants or laws or anything really, but the latest ruling from the overweight, deaf, technically blind and medically insane Princess Jormungandr has been one the strangest yet. She has decreed that the official currency of Jormungandr, previously spoons, should be replaced with lesbians. She has declared an exchange rate of three spoons to the lesbian. The inhabitants while at first unsure of how to proceed with this latest ruling simply drowned themselves rather than try and work out what’s going on with the world.

5. Russell Brand has been legally classed as a lesbian. Russell Brand while valiantly leading a valiant campaign against the evils of Virgin with their racist wristband ideology, has been officially classed as a lesbian. It is widely thought that he initiated this process in order that he would be able to get into the pants of the, otherwise frigid towards him, lesbian community. When interviewed by Can’t Complain Magazine Russell gave the following statement. “For sooth bewitching damsels, be not in any state of alarm that ole Russ has been categorised so unjustly as a lesbian, for I am proclaiming that I be not only a lesbian but also of the bisexual persuasion. Thus all you infallible beauties can relax placated that I will still return thy affections.” Once this has been translated from Russellspeak I’m sure another headline will emerge for Can’t Complain Magazine.

4. Digs in Jerusalem revealed that the ancient world was inhabited entirely by Lesbians. Although it was once thought that men and women had cohabited the planet for as long as they had both existed it was revealed earlier this year that only women existed up until Victorian times when men flickered into existence claiming that they had come from a far off planet to bring gifts of steam technology and sexy dancing. It was only when digs in Jerusalem came across a scroll bearing the words ‘There are no men, only women, and we’re all lesbians’ did this fact emerge. The scroll also said some other astonishing things about how they had lasers back then and microwaves and used to shoot each other with the lasers and then make tasty lesbian snacks in the microwave, but the main focus of the story must be on the more important fact that they were all sexy lesbians. Even Ming the Merciless. Okay she probably wasn’t a sexy lesbian but she was a lesbian nonetheless and she was Merciless.

3. 2007 was a good year for sexy Lesbian acronymic things. First came the Lads Engaged Sadly Being Indifferent About Napkins or LESBIAN. It was a club entirely for men who didn’t care one way or another for napkins but it was overwhelmed by lesbians pelting them with rocks and burning their faces on laser microwaves when they realised what the letters spelt out. The President of Lesmerica (a small country off the west coast of England specially built to be a safe haven for lesbians) Lucy Liu claimed that this was a bit harsh and they should have just pelted them with pebbles and burnt their elbows on electric microwaves. However even she couldn’t contain her anger when Sons Exiled Yearningly Looking Electrically Silenced By Intolerant Angry Neptune or SExYLESBIAN. It was just a support group for sons who’d been exiled and who looked as though they’d been silenced by one of Neptune’s machinations but Lesmerica declared war upon them and threw a series of progressively more vicious angel cakes at the support group. The war continues to this day.

2. A Lesbian version of the Addams Family is set to be filmed next year. The Addams Family has always been a favourite of lesbians everywhere but many lesbians have wished that the program might be a little more lesbian friendly. In response the BBC Commissioner, Sir Cubics MacLesbotrope has decided to totally revamp the traditional format. The cast list is as follows:

  • Gomez, the head of the family, will be played by Portia De Rossi.

  • Morticia, her wife, will be played by Lucy Liu.

  • Wednesday, the scheming and sombre daughter of the family, will be played by Michelle Rodriguez.

  • Pugsley, the slow witted but enthusiastic daughter of the family will be played by Paris Hilton.

  • Aunt Fester, the one that I’ve forgotten all useful information about, will be played by Christina Aguilera.

  • Thing, the disembodied hand scrabbling around performing tasks for the family, will be played by Ellen DeGeneres.

  • Lurch, the ghoulish servant of the family, will be played by Angelina Jolie.

  • Cousin Itt, the family’s hairy cousin, will be played by Russell Brand.

1. t.A.T.u. Simultaneously Ascend To Godhood and Produce The Lesbian Noise. t.A.T.u. had long since given up attempting to be proper lesbians and had stopped kissing one another and everything. It was a sad day for the world but then they stepped back into that recording studio to produce their third album when suddenly they came across a magical secret note hidden between the chords of the octave. It was the legendary lesbian noise. It is claimed to be able to turn any woman who hears it into a lesbian instantly. They instantly stopped recording, bewitched by the lesbian noise and turned back into proper lesbians, and started making out, just like the good old days, and as they did so a magical charm that their mystical agent was trying to work fired off into the room by accident. It mixed with the lingering magic of the lesbian noise and Lena and Julia were transformed. They transcended from their mortal forms and became Lesbian Gods.
Since that wondrous day t.A.T.u.ism has become the worlds most popular religion, beating even Paris Hilton’s revamped Christianity. Only the Indyism religion has come even close to the level of popularity of t.A.T.u.ism.

See you next year for a rundown of the top ten hats of the year. It’s more or less like this but with less lesbian related stories and more hat related stories.


paulafromtwoson at 2008-02-10 23:03 (UTC) (Link)
Hello, I came across this post in a search for Addams Family news. I was wondering if you might have any links or other information on your "2.A Lesbian version of the Addams Family is set to be filmed next year."
If you happen to have more info, it would be much appreciated!
cube_166 at 2008-02-11 00:22 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry, as awesome as that would be it isn't going to happen. To my knowledge at least. When I said it contains some actual facts I may have been exaggerating a bit.
paulafromtwoson at 2008-02-11 03:13 (UTC) (Link)
Too bad (>_>)
Oh well, I suppose the Addams Family Broadway musical that's scheduled for the 2009-10 season will have to be enough for all the fans. Honestly, even that is quite a bit more than I ever expected to see...
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