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Tatu 32

Random Self Created Questionnaire

Posted on 2007.12.20 at 00:06
Current Music:: Armor For Sleep - The Truth About Heaven
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Ages ago I wrote a questionnaire for a laugh. Here is said questionnaire and answers. It's to make up for the pointlessness of the 19th of December malarky.

Which male celebrity would you most like to push out of a plain?
Since pushing people out of a plain isn’t likely to do them any harm in any way I’d say probably Ross Noble or someone else that I’d like to meet. I could push them out of a plain then buy them a drink to celebrate.

Which female celebrity would you most like to sell a paperweight to?
Paris Hilton. She’s pretty loaded so I’m sure she could afford to fork out a large amount of cash for a ridiculously overpriced paperweight, plus she’s thick enough to buy said paperweight at said overpriced price.

Which cartoon character would you most like to run a garden centre with?
Hermes out of Futurama. He’d be the best person to run a garden centre with for several reasons, firstly because he’s a bureaucrat and keeps everything in meticulous order, thus making him reliable to run a garden centre with. Second of all he’s Jamaican so we could obviously make a second income growing and selling certain other products. And thirdly he’d be pretty easy to boss around.

Which colour would you most like to write a biography about?
The colour black. Black would have to have had the most interesting life. It’d be all like introverted possibly because it’s parents dark blue and purple abused it at a young age or something.

Which letter of the alphabet would you like to rent a spare room to?
The letter Q. Because Q’s not a popular letter so he wouldn’t be rushing out to parties all the time and he’d be fairly boring and reliable and pay his rent on time and basically keep himself to himself.

Which number would you most enjoy driving a getaway car for?
The number 42 because then I could use the time escaping from the cops and police and so on to ask it some pretty hard hitting questions regarding life the universe and everything. Then as it’s become quite popular lately it’d have lots of money to pay me with.

What variety of fish would you most enjoy playing a game of tennis with?
Eels. It’s be fun just watching them try and hold the tennis rackets. I wouldn’t like to play tennis with a clam because it would just open it’s mouth and then pretend the tennis ball was a pearl or something equally ridiculous.

Which mythical creature would you most like to encase inside a cupboard?
A unicorn, because unicorns are quite placid and it probably wouldn’t mind being in a cupboard. In fact that’s probably how the whole Narnia thing came about. There was a unicorn in a cupboard a man thought wow there must be a whole magical kingdom back there and before checking he was off to pen a book about it.

Which famous/fictional doctor would you most like to ride a dolphin with?
The Doctor of Doctor Who fame. We’d be off riding dolphins, or swimming with dolphins surely, I may have phrased this question badly, just assume I mean swimming with dolphins. And anyway we find out that dolphins are some kind of evil aliens plotting to take over the world and so we have to stop them with our anti-dolphin beam or something. I should probably get to work on that just in case.

Of which fictional character would you most like to build a statue?
Mighty Mouse. He’s quite small he’d only need a small statue. Easy. Next question.

Which musician would you most like to buy a chaffinch for?
Bill Bailey. He’s a musician/comedian. He has birds as it is. He’d probably like a chaffinch. I wish I had a chaffinch to give him now. And that I knew him to give him a chaffinch.

What type of snake would you most like to be stuck on a plane with?
A friendly one? Like out of cartoons?

Which member of the royal family would you most like to steal sunglasses with?
Princess Diana, she’d be awesome at stealing sunglasses as she’s a ghost. She’d be able to steal them right through people’s pockets and things. Other members of the royal family are useless as they are not ghosts.

Which famous/fictional police officer would you most like to pour a glass of lemonade over?
I don’t know many famous/fictional police officers. So the ones at the start of Hot Fuzz who force Nicholas to go to Sandford. Nothing against them but they’re not nice sending Nicholas off to where he doesn’t want to go.

Which Matt Damon would you most like to tell to get lost?
Matt Damon!

Which dead celebrity would you most like to be seen in a busy London restaurant with?
Barry White. I’m assuming that they won’t just be a corpse because I wouldn’t want to be seen in a busy restaurant with any corpses be they celebrity or no. I would want them to be back alive and able to sing their famous songs and that. Then that would be awesome (I don’t want any zombie Barry Whites either).

Which illusionist would you most like to hide in a cramped cardboard box with?
David Blaine, and then I’d stab him and win the Nobel Peace Prize.

Which fruit would you most like to edit a magazine about barbed wire with?
A Lemon. Lemons are sharp and barbed wire is sharp. I’m sure they’d have a natural rapport which would be very useful on the barbed wire magazine.

Which fictional character stuck on an island would you most like to ride a rollercoaster with?
I’d normally say Locke but I don’t think he’d be as fun on a rollercoaster as some other fictional people stuck on an island. In which case I’d say Desmond, because then if anything went wrong then he’d know about it and we wouldn’t go on. It’d be like Final Destination 3 meets Lost. Except I don’t want to be hunted down by Death so Hurley instead. So long as Hurley is allowed on because of his weight. If not then Charlie and we get Hurley some candyfloss and something nice from the shop.

Which reality TV judge would you most like to write a book about the fear of buttons with?
Judge Judy. Because she’s the only reality TV judge. Books about fears of buttons are awesome!

Which non-human character would you most like to knock down a building with?
Bender from Futurama because he’s like a human wrecking ball except not a human, but a robot. He could break and bend that house to pieces and I’d just sit there and tell him how great he is and I wouldn’t have to do anything.

Which animal would you most like to sellotape a crisp to?
A chicken, and it would be a chicken flavoured crisp. Then I’d complain that it isn’t chickeny enough.

Which famous dog would you most like to have as a boss?
Gaspode out of Discworld. All other dogs are likely to give incomprehensible orders. Which actually is a better answer. Lassie then perhaps. That way I wouldn’t have to do any work.

Which vegetable would you not trust to give you the correct time?
Most vegetables in fact but especially beetroot if that is a vegetable. All I know is that it is purple and the root of all evil.

Which isn't to say it isn't equally pointless or self indulgent but that it probably has a little more going for it than "It's the 19th December. I've never done a post on the 19th December before. Wowzers in trousers!"

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