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Tatu 49

The Principalities - Episode 3.2 - Paradox

Posted on 2007.12.12 at 15:03
Current Music:: Panic! At The Disco - I Write Sins Not Tragedies
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The Principalities. Episode 3.2 – Paradox
(see the preface for information)


Previously: The extremely fashionable Yolaris teamed up with Princess Fenrir, Charity to stop Princess Hel, who is half pure evil (on her mother’s side). Powergrando, Chastity travelled into the future to get a version of Clone 315 from 2012. In the confrontation with Hel only Clone 315 was able to kill her, by changing into a giant fox and attacking her. Powergrando then went to return Clone 315 to the future. In 1986 Powergrando in an effort to escape from Jormungandr before he was killed and replaced by a clone, managed to talk Puter Von Bullet into killing himself. Kroenen Von Bullet, Puter’s father and head of the Jormungandr army, retrieved his body and due to a misunderstanding all the clones were made to be Von Bullet clones, and due to the damaged condition of Puter’s brain and a fast approaching deadline they were given a pack mind mentality instead of a complete brain rebuild.

3rd January 2000
Yolaris woke up with a throbbing headache, which was quite unfashionable. He appeared to be half lying in a box full of those little polystyrene balls. He climbed up out of the box and tiptoed his way from the room into the corridor. He didn’t tiptoe because he was afraid to wake anyone, although there did appear to be someone to wake, but because of the extraordinary amount of broken glass around the place. He stumbled into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked tired, he felt tired actually, he didn’t need a mirror to tell him he was tired. He appeared to still be wearing the firefighter outfit that he’d been sporting yesterday. He considered the energy required in picking out a new style for today and decided that perhaps this once he’d go for a retro look. He yawned, and then, taking a swig out of some discarded ridiculously shaped bottle, he shuffled downstairs to the kitchen where the smell of pancakes appeared to be coming from.
“Morning.” said Charity, who was the one making the pancakes. This morning she was dressed as some kind of icicle woman.
“Morning.” Yolaris reciprocated hoarsely. “I love pancakes.”
“Tough.” said Charity. “These are for me, get your own.” Yolaris negotiated his way to a chair and sat down.
“Did we have sex in a box full of polystyrene balls?” asked Yolaris.
“Yes.” said Charity.
“Why was that?” asked Yolaris.
“I think someone had already taken the bed.” said Princess Fenrir (who had this morning opted for the sexy secretary look), sitting at the table eating toast and reading a newspaper. “So we just had to make do.”
“They’re still there.” said Yolaris.
“Really?” asked Charity. “I thought we’d cleared everyone out.”
“And the broken glass?” asked Yolaris.
“I think it was probably an empty bottle that got smashed in the sex fracas.” said Fenrir. Yolaris had, having arrived back a day early from saving the world thrown a massive party back at his house, after all he had been in his home city and it was the millennium. The party had just stopped, more or less a couple of hours ago. There was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it.” said Charity, walking off to the front door. Then suddenly the room seemed to blur, and Powergrando appeared.
“Quick.” he said. “Everyone out.” Fenrir quickly stood up and was alert. Yolaris just sat there and tried to pull himself together.
“Charity.” Fenrir yelled. “Leave it. We have to get out.” There was the sound of the door bursting open and then gunfire. Charity screamed and Fenrir came stumbling back into the kitchen panicking.
“Ugh. Nevermind.” said Powergrando sighing and reached into his pocket, producing a glowing golden orb. “I’ll just get here ten minutes early.” He blurred again and vanished. Yolaris who had just came around properly (these situations tend to help), stood up and looked into the hall. At one end there was a man in a suit and tie with a machine gun. Charity was running towards the kitchen. As she dived in to avoid another round of fire from the suited man, Yolaris ducked back into the kitchen.
“Come on out Yolaris.” the man shouted in a sing-song manner. “I don’t want to kill you. There’s more money in it for me if I bring you in alive.”
“What’s he doing?” whispered Fenrir. “If he was going back to ten minutes ago shouldn’t be here by now?”
“Did anything happen ten minutes ago.” whispered Yolaris.
“There was a noise that sounded like you falling over.” Charity whispered, getting to her feet.
“We don’t need to be enemies Yolaris.” said the man. “I’m Domino, I’m a bounty hunter. I’m just doing my job.”
“I wasn’t up ten minutes ago.” Yolaris whispered harshly. “He’s trod on a bottle, fallen and been knocked out hasn’t he?”
“Wouldn’t you have noticed that?” whispered Charity.
“Of course not.” whispered Yolaris. “I’d just woke up. There appeared to be someone on the bed but I thought it was just someone crashing from last night.”
“Don’t want to be friends then?” asked Domino. “We can always do this the hard way.”
“I don’t much like the sound of the hard way.” said Yolaris loudly, while gesturing to go out the back door, come around and bash the bounty hunter on the head. “I know you’re just a gun for hire. Whatever you’re being offered I’ll double it.” Fenrir and Charity snuck out of the back door.
“I doubt that.” said Domino. “Queen Nyx is the one who put the bounty on your head. She’s offering ten million to bring you and your little friends in.”
“I can double that.” said Yolaris, his blatant lie showing straight through.
“Sure you can.” said Domino. “Even if you could Ten million is ten million and every bounty hunter worth his salt is going to be after you. I doubt anyone could afford the twenty million each for them to go on their merry way.”
“You make a good point.” said Yolaris. “Good and very articulate. I’ll give myself up then shall I?” Yolaris was listening desperately hoping to hear any indication that Charity and Fenrir hadn’t just ran off.
“Would you mind? It’d make my day a little easier.” said Domino sarcastically, then there was a small yelp and the sound of a body folding up to the floor.
“Finally.” said Yolaris, stepping out into the hall to see Powergrando with a bandage wrapped around his head standing over the unconscious bounty hunter.
“Sorry about that.” said Powergrando. “I ended up upstairs, tripped on a bottle, fell and banged my head on the wall I think. When I woke up I had to rush off to hospital. But it appears I got back to just the right time.”
“Well that was a very in depth explanation.” said Yolaris.
“When we get back would you mind saying the bounty hunter did it.” asked Powergrando. “It sounds more valiant than I slipped on a bottle.”
“Fine.” said Yolaris, irritably. “Where are Charity and Fenrir? They were supposed to come around here and knock him out. I could have been dead by now. It doesn’t take that long to walk to the front of the house.” Powergrando shrugged and walked with Yolaris out of the back door to a small empty garden.
“How long ago did they leave?” asked Powergrando.
“About a minute or two ago.” said Yolaris. Powergrando removed the golden orb that he had used before. The world blurred around him and Yolaris and then when it unblurred Fenrir and Charity were immediately in front of them. “There you are.” whispered Yolaris, mindful that he was still in the kitchen. “Come on then. We might as well go now.” The world blurred around all four of them.

15th April 1986:
When it unblurred they were in a restaurant. Sat at the nearest table was Chastity and Clone 315. Powergrando motioned for the group to take a seat and they did. The restaurant was otherwise almost completely empty. There was a couple of people dressed all in black wearing sunglasses seated on the other side of the room but that was it.
“Ooh! PG!” said Chastity, hugging Powergrando. “You’ve hurt your head.”
“It was in a fight with this bounty hunter.” said Powergrando. “He was a tough bastard but I showed him who’s boss.” He looked at Yolaris for support.
“Yep. Sure. Bounty hunter.” said Yolaris. “What was that all about anyway?”
“Well you know that Princess Hel was half pure evil, on her mother’s side?” asked Powergrando. He nodded, it sounded familiar. “Well her mother is Queen Nyx. Who, as you would have noticed if you hadn’t been partying for the last couple of days, has been made Queen of the Principality of Hel, or as it’s now called the Nyxian Kingdom. She knows about us and there’s a massive bounty on your head. You’re not safe in the present so that’s why we’ve come back to the past. 1986 to be precise.”
“What’s going on with 315 then?” asked Fenrir. “You said you were taking him back… to the future!”
“The future is unstable now. The timeline from which he comes doesn’t exist any more.” said Powergrando. “Something has happened to change the future. LF has pinpointed the disturbance to be on the 23rd July 2010.”
“LF?” asked Charity.
“My time machine.” said Powergrando. “It’s short for Light Fast. Because if you travel faster than the speed of light you can travel in time.”
“So what now then?” asked Yolaris.
“We go to the future and find the critical spot, figure out what has gone wrong and fix it.” said Powergrando. “With Clone 315 here it should be easy to figure out what’s wrong. But first we should set up a base of operations in the now. I’ve hired out a house nearby. It should do for now.”
“So we’re not staying for a meal then?” asked Chastity. “I was sat here for ages waiting for you to get back.”
“Chas, we got back a second after we left.” said Powergrando.
“I’m still hungry though.” said Chastity.
“We’ll get a meal back at the house. This place is expensive.” said Powergrando.
“Is there something wrong with 315?” asked Fenrir as they went to stand up. “Has the whole corruption of his time period affected him somehow?”
“Nope.” said 315. “I just haven’t had much to input to the conversation.” They walked to the entrance to the restaurant, Powergrando opened the door but quickly shut it again.
“Clones!” he said, with a sudden realisation. “No offence 315, but I hate those bastards. The first hundred or so were cloned with a pack mind and their main instinct being to hunt me down and kill me.”
“Wow.” said Yolaris. “You do get yourself into some situations don’t you?”
“Yep.” said Powergrando looking out through a window. “And there I am.” Across the street was a younger version of Powergrando walking with an old man, apparently having an argument. The old man shot a glance towards the clones and then to the restaurant.
“We need to get out of here.” said Chastity.
“Nope.” said Powergrando. “I remember this. All these clones chase someone in here. If they’d seen me with Siegfried then I wouldn’t have stood a chance.” Powergrando ran to the doors and opened them wide. “In here Von Bullet you stupid clone! Catch me if you can!” Powergrando slammed the door shut and started running through the restaurant. The group, except Clone 315, all sprinted off along with him. Yolaris took one look back as they sprinted into the kitchen area. The clones were bursting through the door and it was almost impossible to tell 315 from the rest of them. He was trying to hold them back, to reason with them. They ran through the kitchens and found a back door onto an alleyway. The clones burst out of the building behind them. Yolaris at the back of the group tried to manoeuvre objects in their path (like in films) but they just vaulted over anything that was put in their way. Powergrando ran into another building through an open door and stopped inside. As Yolaris ran through at the rear of the group he closed the door and leaned on it to hold it shut. Powergrando had produced his time machine; LF and was doing something with it. The door shuddered with the vibration of the clones slamming into it.
“315!” gasped Charity.
“Don’t worry.” said Powergrando “They won’t harm him. He’s a Von Bullet as well. Just one with a properly rebuilt mind.” The door shuddered again and part of it cracked.
“You may want to hurry up with that time machine PG.” said Yolaris. “This door isn’t super stable.” The door shuddered a third time and one of the Von Bullet hands shot through the door, swiping at the air. Yolaris was knocked forward and the door opened. The place started to blur, but as it did one of the Von Bullets leapt into the room with them. There was a flash of light.

November 3rd 1886:
The room unblurred and they were in a Victorian looking street. The Von Bullet clone leapt at Powergrando, knocking him to the ground. Yolaris punched the clone and sent him reeling. The clone spun around looking to see where the others had gone, and seeing none fled off into the distance.
“When are we?” asked Yolaris.
“Good question.” said Powergrando. “I was trying to just take us back to 1985. According to LF we’re in 1886. In Jormungandr. It must have been that clone, he knocked us off course.”
“Speaking of which isn’t it dangerous to let him run around 1886?” asked Fenrir.
“He shouldn’t pose a threat to anyone but me.” said Powergrando.
“What about your grandparents?” asked Yolaris.
“What about them?” asked Powergrando.
“Well haven’t you ever seen The Terminator?” asked Yolaris. “An evil machine goes back in time to kill the parents of a man so that he is never born.”
“Okay…” said Powergrando slowly. “So I guess we need to stop him then. We should set up back here. Time can’t last long in the state it’s in, so I need to get to work immediately. I guess it’s up to you lot to stop Von Bullet.”
“Leave it to the fashion police!” said Charity, a little overenthusiastically. “We’ll keep you safe and alive.”
“Okay a little less confident now, but I still need to fix the whole timeline problem.” said Powergrando. “But for now we need a house to work out of.”

Their temporary house was a really posh one that even had a name. It was called, somewhat worryingly, Bloodfind. Powergrando said he picked it because it sounded like good find, plus it was cheap. Yolaris went up and had a look at his temporary room. He was staring into the mirror when the door opened and Fenrir and Charity came in.
“We’re having a bit of a fashion situation.” said Charity. “Have you seen the clothes they like to wear back here?”
“I know.” said Yolaris. “I’m having the same situation.”
“We thought we’d come to you as you’re the most fashionable.” said Fenrir. “You’ve got awards for it.”
“We should just aim for a general consensus of fashion between the three of us.” said Yolaris. “I’m reckoning kimonos that are decorated in all the colours of the rainbow.”
“That sounds perfect.” said Fenrir. “Hey watch this. I love time travel. After we’ve stopped the Von Bullet clone and saved Powergrando we’ll time travel back to the future get some decent clothes and stock up our wardrobes before we arrive, right?”
“Sure.” said Yolaris. Fenrir pulled open the wardrobe to find it full of incredibly stylish and fashionable pieces of clothing.
“I love time travel.” said Yolaris, changing into his rainbow kimono. A minute or two later Yolaris, Fenrir and Charity were downstairs, preparing to hunt down Von Bullet and stop him from altering the past. Yolaris had kitted up with a pistol in a shoulder holster, as well as a couple of daggers, which were concealed, strapped to the inside of his sleeves and a sword, sheathed by his side. Fenrir had opted for an assault rifle and a belt of grenades. Charity had gone for a sniper rifle.
“Are we at war?” asked Powergrando upon seeing them. “I think you might stick out a bit like that.”
“If we don’t protect your grandparents you won’t exist.” said Yolaris. “Then you won’t be able to save the world, the fabric of space and time, or us from that infinite void. So I think we probably are at war.”
“Good point.” said Powergrando. “My grandfather is called Powergrando Expressicks Hofrodginson Uskavick the first, although he won’t call himself the first. Just the rest of it and my grandmother is Hailie White.” Chastity walked out from one of the other rooms, naked.
“No need to stare.” she said. “My clothes were soaked, 315 was on some stupid island in the middle of nowhere, and I don’t have any spare.”
“Got that?” asked Powergrando.
“Oh yeah. I understand, there’s nothing worse than wet clothes. I’ve got some spare if you want.” said Yolaris.
“No.” said Powergrando. “My grandparents?”
“Oh right.” said Yolaris. “Would you mind writing your grandfathers name down. It’s a bit of a mouthful.” Chastity mouthed the word thanks to Yolaris then headed upstairs, while Powergrando wrote down his grandfathers name. He passed it to Yolaris.
“Now go out there and save him.” said Powergrando. “My life depends on it.” Yolaris, Fenrir and Charity headed outside onto the Victorian streets.
“What do we do now?” asked Charity.
“Well in The Terminator they looked up the name in a phone book to get the address.” said Yolaris.
“I don’t think telephones are all that widespread yet.” said Fenrir. “How about after we’ve done all this we go to future and find him on those old census form thingies and write down where he lives and leave it for ourselves around here?” She picked up a card from off a nearby bench. “Ah good here we are. 112 Ocean Avenue. Now we don’t have to go to the Census place and leaf through all those old records.” She handed the card to Yolaris. It was the same piece of card that Powergrando had just written his grandfathers name on, now with the words 112 Ocean Avenue underneath in his handwriting. It smelt faintly of alcohol.
“You do know we will genuinely have to go around moving stuff around and stuff later?” asked Yolaris.
“Yeah, but that’s in the future, I can handle inconveniences that happen in the future as long as it’s convenient now.” said Fenrir.

They reached 112 Ocean Avenue quite quickly. As they walked up to the front door they found it was hanging from it’s hinges. A wail came from the back of the house.
“We’re too late!” shrieked Charity. They sprinted through the hallway and into the kitchen. Powergrando the first’s body lay face down on the kitchen floor in a puddle of blood. Von Bullet was at the back door about to flee.
“Von Bullet!” shouted Yolaris, pulling his pistol from the shoulder holster and firing in one swift movement. The bullet hit Von Bullet in the chest and he collapsed out of the door onto the street. Yolaris ran over to Powergrando the first’s body and turned him over. He looked to be roughly in his seventies, bald with a thick grey beard and a face, which didn’t seem to resemble Powergrando very much at all. Yolaris felt his wrist for a pulse.
“He’s gone.” said Yolaris. “We were too late.” There was a pause before Charity and Fenrir agreed. They walked over to where Von Bullet’s body had been lying a moment before. There was a trail of blood that lead to an open sewer grate.
“Don’t worry.” said Yolaris. “He was pretty badly wounded and there’s all kinds of monsters that lived in the sewers in the Victorian times. Like Jack the Ripper. He won’t last five minutes down there.”

It was a couple of minutes later they were back at Bloodfind, their base of operations. They’d had to make a quick escape from the scene as sirens had started blaring and the police had reached the scene. They opened the door and walked into the living room. Powergrando was sat with Chastity, again naked, and a young looking version of Clone 315 who was currently asleep.
“Did it go well?” Powergrando whispered.
“Yes.” lied Yolaris, somewhat blindsided by Powergrando’s continued existence.
“You saved Powergrando the first then?” asked Powergrando. Yolaris nodded. “And killed Von Bullet.” another nod. “And the Police don’t know a thing about it?” a further nod. “Well sounds like you’ve done a good job then.”
“Don’t worry about lending me any more clothes.” whispered Chastity. “I’ve given up on the damn things. I was outside 315’s house when a mole hit me, left a horrible mole mark right down the back. Then it started raining a monsoon. I even took a spare set and they got chewed up by this ridiculous robotic Alsatian. I’ve decided that if the universe wants me to be naked then I’ll be naked.”
“I’ll catch you up with this whole business in the morning.” whispered Powergrando. “I’ve got to brief 315 first.”
Yolaris, Fenrir and Charity went and sat down at the dining table in the corner of the room. Their conversation with Powergrando appeared to have awoken 315.
“Okay so Powergrando still exists.” said Yolaris. “So perhaps Powergrando the first wasn’t properly killed. Perhaps he survived.”
“Come on Yolaris.” said Charity. “That wasn’t PG’s grandfather. For one thing he’s still alive, for another PG the first was too old and for a third he looked nothing like Powergrando.”
“So who is Powergrando’s grandfather?” asked Yolaris.
“Who knows?” asked Fenrir. “I think we just hope for the best that Von Bullet is really dead.” 315 stood up and walked over and opened the front door. Upon seeing the outside world he stopped.
“Are there really monsters and Jack the Ripper in the sewers?” asked Yolaris hopefully.
“No more than there is in our time.” said Fenrir. 315 closed the door and sat down next to Chastity, she placed her hand suggestively on his leg.
“So tomorrow we sneak out before Powergrando gets up and go and find Hailie White his grandmother and then what?” asked Yolaris. “Make her have sex with as many men as possible to ensure that Powergrando’s father is born?”
“I don’t think I’d advise that particular course of action.” said Fenrir. “I’d probably just make sure she’s alright and find and kill Von Bullet, for sure this time.”
“It would have been a hell of a lot easier if you hadn’t told Powergrando that we’d sorted everything out. Then we could have just gone back there before Von Bullet arrived and killed him.” said Charity.
“How would that help? that man wasn’t Powergrando’s father.” said Yolaris. “I thought you’d established that.”
“At least we’d know Von Bullet is dead.” said Charity. Powergrando stood up and walked over to the table.
“I wonder why it is nobody ever believes you when you tell them you’ve travelled through time.” said Powergrando.
“We believed you.” said Yolaris.
“That’s different. You saw me shift in.” said Powergrando. “I mean it’s not like throughout their life people have been telling them that they’ve travelled in time and they’re all like, oh no not that old joke again. It’s probably the first time anyone has ever told them that. Why can’t people be a bit more trusting. It’d save the whole having to prove it phase of things.” 315 and Chastity went upstairs. “Fancy going out for a celebratory drink?” Powergrando continued. “We may not have saved time yet but at least I don’t have to worry about suddenly not existing.”
“Sure.” said Yolaris. “I could do with a drink. Do you think they have like those old taverns from the olden days?”

November 4th 1886:
“Powergrando?” said a nearby female voice sweetly. Yolaris turned over in bed. He had a headache again and although they certainly seemed to be catching on he didn’t much fancy having one on a Thursday (they’re only really fashionable on a Friday). “Powergrando?” the voice repeated. “Are you awake?” The owner of the voice was placing her hands on Yolaris’ shoulders. Yolaris forced open his eyes and turned to look at a woman in a dressing gown perched on the end of the bed. “Want any breakfast PG?” she asked.
“I’m afraid I may have been a little inebriated last night.” said Yolaris. “PG? Are you calling me Powergrando?” He looked around to see if Powergrando was in the bed with him.
“It seems like you were more than a little inebriated.” said the woman. “I found your card in your pocket and brought you back home.”
“Oh no.” said Yolaris in sudden revelation. “You’re Hailie White aren’t you?”
“Yes.” said Hailie suspiciously. “I didn’t tell you my surname…”
“It’s a long story.” said Yolaris. He looked around the room. “Hang on, where are we?”
“112 Ocean Avenue. Your house.” said Hailie. “It was on your card.” Yolaris’ mind flashed back to the card on which was written Powergrando’s grandfather’s name and address.
“And it’s okay is it?” asked Yolaris, “The house?”
“Yeah.” said Hailie. “Well the door was hanging off it’s hinges but you said not to worry about that.”
“Nothing worrying in the kitchen then?” asked Yolaris.
“I don’t know.” said Hailie. “We came straight upstairs.” There was a pause. “What’s going on PG? Is something wrong.”
“Quite probably.” said Yolaris. “It’d take too long to explain now, we need to get out of here.” Yolaris climbed out of bed and pulled open the wardrobe forgetting that it didn’t belong to him. Curiously enough there was a black suit, with a sticky note stuck to it, which simply read ‘shoot as you open the door’. Yolaris pulled off and crumpled it up.
“What’s happening PG?” asked Hailie as Yolaris changed. “I know it’s a long story. I don’t mind an abridged version.”
“A bad man may be on the way to try and kill us, and the police may be on the way to arrest us.” said Yolaris. He spotted a pistol on the bedside table and picked it up.
“That wasn’t there last night.” said Hailie.
“Oh and I can travel through time.” said Yolaris. “A future version of me must have put it there in the night so we can escape from this situation.” He stalked to the bedroom door and kicked it open, shooting at the same time. His bullet thudded harmlessly into the wall.
“Great. Next time I’m going to specify which door I should shoot while opening.” said Yolaris. Hailie followed him into the hallway and they walked downstairs. Yolaris stepped over the front door which still hadn’t been boarded up. Since he had no way of making it any more open than it already was he decided not to shoot as he exited. On the way to Bloodfind Yolaris attempted to maintain a more casual look.
“Time travel?” Hailie finally asked. “Isn’t that impossible? What would happen if you were to go back in time and accidentally kill your own grandfather?”
“This.” said Yolaris. “Well, this is what would happen if you were to go accidentally go back in time with a maniac and he was to kill your friend’s grandfather, but hey close enough.” They reached Bloodfind to find the door open. Yolaris took his gun out again and charged into the house. He heard a scream and sprinted towards the source of it, it was a small room off from the living room. Hailie was running along behind him. He kicked open the door to the room and shot at the same time. The bullet thudded into Von Bullet’s skull, and he collapsed backwards, a knife clattering to the floor. Powergrando was on the floor bleeding slightly, and looking really annoyed but otherwise fine. Chastity, naked again, was pushing herself up from the corner of the room. Her lip was bleeding but she looked otherwise intact. The room in which this was happening was full of strings, with notes and photographs pegged to the string. There was the noise of Fenrir and Charity charging down the stairs. They were wearing black suits as well.
“Yolaris!” Yolaris shouted, causing a very puzzled look to come from everyone barring Hailie. “Thank god you’re okay! It’s me Powergrando the first, and this is my friend Hailie White!” Hailie nervously waved at the group.
“Give it up Yolaris.” said Powergrando. “Gran, or erm, Hailie if you prefer, I’m Powergrando Expressicks Hofrodginson Uskavick the third. Your grandson. I can travel through time and having done so this mad clone accidentally travelled back with me. He was trying to kill me, and attempted to do so by attacking Powergrando the first. He was successful but since Powergrando the first was never my grandfather it was fine. He then realising that Powergrando the first wasn’t my grandfather chose to come directly after me rather than look for any more of my relatives.” There was a pause, Yolaris turned around to look at Hailie who was processing the information.
“So your grandfather is him?” asked Hailie, indicating Yolaris. “What did you call him?”
“Yolaris.” said Yolaris. “My name is Yolaris, hello how do you do?”
“You should know Yolaris.” said Hailie. “Well this place certainly is interesting. Mind if I hang around for a bit?”
“Not at all.” said Powergrando. “Although people probably won’t be paying much attention to you. You see we’re also trying to save the time-space continuum.”
“I can handle that.” said Hailie.
“Okay everyone. We have a situation.” said Powergrando. “In 2010 something has gone wrong with a Lust Potion that 315 takes. We have three potential people that he falls in lust with. Princess Jormungandr, a squid called Uaijaeaoa and the queen of thieves; Felicita. Against our recommendations 315 has started up a relationship with Felicita. Once we’ve figured out who he needs to fall in lust with we’re going to have to alter the 2010 scenario again. I’ve been working up the different scenarios here in the map room.” he gestured to the strings that hang overhead. “The strings represent timelines and the clippings are events from the timeline. The gold string is the ideal timeline. We know nothing about it which is why it’s so wonderfully devoid of events. The red string is the current timeline. It seems to differ from our predicted timeline in a way that needs further investigation. Further investigation into red timeline it indicates that there is some horrible virus in the future that makes people just have sex until they die. If you have to go past the year 2011 you should wear a gasmask to prevent infection. Fenrir and Charity I need you to go into 1986 and find Clone 315. He can tell us the correct course of events and we’ll need to reinsert him into the timeline after we’ve corrected it. Yolaris I need you to go to 2012 and get the messages from the answerphone that Clone 315 has been leaving for us.”
“Question.” said Yolaris.
“Yes?” said Powergrando.
“How do we both travel in time at once?” asked Yolaris.
“After Fenrir and Charity are done they return to before they left and leave the time machine here.” said Powergrando. “Admittedly it’s not the best system but I can’t build another LF. It’s unique.” He paused then went back to his mental agenda. “Chastity you stay here with me. I need all the help I can get to figure out gold timeline.”
“I can help.” said Hailie.
“Thanks.” said Powergrando. “Okay you three LF is easy enough to use.” He picked up two golden orbs which were on the table in the map room. “You hold the orb and think hard about precisely when you want to go to. In your case Yolaris it’s this building in 2012. There’s already a gasmask there. Fenrir and Charity you want to go back to the Scrumptious Scarab restaurant in Fenrir in 1986.” He passed one version of LF to Yolaris and one to Princess Fenrir. “We’re already there once, so try not to draw attention to yourself.” Holding LF was strange, Yolaris thought that it would just be like a piece of technology, admittedly a very advanced piece of technology but a piece of technology nonetheless, however it felt more like holding someone’s soul. Delicate and fragile but powerful. Yolaris found himself thinking ‘Bloodfind, 2012 please’.

A while later Yolaris was coming back from 2011 after having dropped Clone 315 back there. The future version of Bloodfind was a world away from the 1886 version. Everything was made of chrome and there were banks of monitors around the room that were showing the outside world. The only people on the screens were people having sex in the streets. It looked like the apocalypse, but a sexy apocalypse rather than the normal boring explosiony apocalypses. He’d listened to all the messages and travelled back using LF and provided 315 with suppressants from a large stock kept in the 2012 Bloodfind. Then there had been a message about Felicita being dead. Yolaris had travelled to 2011 and brought 315 back to the past where Powergrando had taken a blood sample, thus revealing that the Lust Potion was the source of the virus in the future. 315 had ranted a bit, then Yolaris had returned him to 2011 and come back. The group was gathered in the map room.
“What’s going on?” asked Yolaris as he got back to 1886.
“Clone 315.” said Fenrir. “Before he vanished what was the last thing we saw him do?”
“Run into that group of clones.” said Yolaris. “Oh right. So how are we going to get him back?”
“Well there’s the million dollar question.” said Powergrando. “We need someone else who can blend in with the clones to find 315.”
“What about 315 himself?” asked Yolaris. “He’d fit right in. We could get that copy of him from red timeline. He isn’t that infectious yet he should be able to get in and get himself out.” There was a pause. “Especially since he’s a thief now. And a good one from what I’ve heard.”
“Best idea we’ve got.” said Powergrando. “We’ll have to place a tracking thing on him or something so he doesn’t vanish into the throng never to be seen again.”
“Before you do that can Yolaris and I borrow LF?” asked Hailie. “We’ll have it back before it’s gone.”
“Sure.” said Powergrando. “I was wondering why there was another version of LF here anyway. I’m going to go and try and recruit 315 to our cause.”
“Can I come as well?” asked Chastity.
“Of course, but I’m afraid you will need to have some clothes on this time.” said Powergrando. “It’s all a bit virusy in the future.” Chastity went off upstairs to get some clothes. Fenrir and Charity announced that they were going to go and get an early night as saving time and whatnot is exhausting.
“When are we going?” Yolaris asked Hailie.
“Oh you know.” said Hailie, taking hold of the golden orb. “Somewhen romantic.” The room around them started to blur.

July 24th 1671
Here I am again, thought Yolaris. Lying in an unfamiliar bed with a headache. I must obviously suit this look. He tried to work out whether it was Friday and hence the headache would be fashionable or not, but was unable to remember what year he was in nevermind what day of the week it was. He opened his eyes to find that he was in some house and that Hailie was nowhere to be seen. Yolaris vaguely started panicking, hoping she had gone to get a drink or something similar. Vague memories started to form about last night. He remembered arriving back in Feudal Japan, atop a hill looking down on a small town. They were having a great time, and were somewhat drunk when there had been a patrol of samurai, moving through the forest nearby. They’d tried to stay quiet but they’d been too drunk and the samurai had attacked. Hailie had been grabbed, but Yolaris had managed to escape and it was a bit of a blur after that. He’d obviously found refuge in the town. He pulled on his clothes and pulled out LF. ‘Bloodfind, 1886 please’ he thought.

November 5th 1886
“Everyone!” he yelled to the seemingly empty house. “It’s all gone wrong again.” There was no response. He ran into the map room to find it empty then ran upstairs.
“What’s going on?” yawned Fenrir as he entered her room. She and Charity were just waking up.
“It’s all gone wrong.” said Yolaris. “Hailie’s been kidnapped by some evil samurai in 1671. We might be too late already. That’s probably why Powergrando and Chastity aren’t back. Because Powergrando doesn’t exist any more.” Fenrir climbed out of bed and pulled a military uniform from the closet (apparently today’s fashion). Charity attempted to turn over and go back to sleep.
“Char, we have an emergency.” said Fenrir. “Idiotface here may have let the other of PGs grandparents get killed and in the distant past as well. We need to go and sort out his mess for him.”
“Do we have to?” asked Charity sleepily. “He’s always letting people’s grandparents get killed. I think it’s just one of those amusing little foibles of his.”
“We have to unless you want the world to end up infected with that horrible lust virus, Powergrando not to exist, and time to break down entirely.” said Fenrir.
“Okay.” said Charity, forcing herself out of bed, and pulling on a military uniform. Yolaris quickly nipped into his room and got his military uniform on so that he would still be fashionable despite possibly having accidentally caused the apocalypse. He ran downstairs, and determined not to lie to Powergrando this time, left a note saying what had happened and that he Fenrir and Charity had gone back to 1671. Fenrir and Charity trudged downstairs into the living room, still yawning. Yolaris pulled out LF and thought ‘the hill from last night in 1671 please’. The room, as ever, blurred.

July 23rd 1671
When it unblurred it was dark and they were standing in a forest. Through the trees it was possible to see Yolaris and Hailie drinking, rather noisily on the edge of the hill overlooking town. As Yolaris went to put LF back into his pocket there was a sort of whistling noise, like something winding down and the orb which had been so golden a second ago was just a grey ball now.
“I think time has just broken.” said Yolaris nervously. “We may be stuck.”

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