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No Face

Top Ten Best Events of The Year

Posted on 2007.01.01 at 01:00
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10. A Cure for Danger was developed by Danger Dan's Dangerous Division. Danger Dan's Dangerous Division is of course located in the Dan Dome deep in Delaware. Making any situation completely safe Danger Dan's Danger Destroyer Defeats Danger. Too bad they couldn't find a catchy slogan for it settling with the totally average "Make Any Situation Safe and Sound with Dan's Danger Destroyer." The slogan was so rubbish that only three bottles of the Danger Destroyer were sold meaning that Danger went on more or less worldwide. Also from Danger Dan's Dangerous Division comes the new Dangerous Dance. A dance guaranteed to cause danger wherever used.

9. A New Species of Hair Gel was Discovered living at the centre of the universe in a cosy two bedroomed flat. The new hair gel was welcomed onto planet Earth by being kidnapped by the government and forced into bottles worldwide and sold to people with unmanageable hair so that it could tame their hair and save the day. The new hair gel, called Max, took offence to this and ate the hair of everyone who used it. This was both a joyous and sad day for people worldwide. We finally got to see what Cousin Itt looks like, but Russell Brand, that brave man, lost his hair and consequently everyone got bored of him.

8. The World Ran Out of Italy, supplies of Italy were greatly diminished after last years Italy shortage, but this year things went from bad to worse. After vacuous socialite Paris Hilton ate a whole plate of Italy while accepting an award for most ridiculous attempt to be a singer, the binge eating of Italy became the latest trend, with millions throughout the world raiding their local greengrocers to get their hands on some Italy. A week afterwards Italy had completely gone along with all Italian stereotypes, like... erm... plumbers? And Mafia people. Paris Hilton later won a Nobel Peace Prize for wiping out all the Mafia in one week and everyone began to take her seriously. She's hotly tipped to be the next Pope and oddly enough the next James Bond.

7. 4 professors from Highfield University bought 8 new jaguars each. The jaguars came from a dodgy dealership and thus cost 15 pounds and 16 pence each. 23 Police officers were called to arrest the professors on charges of possession of drugs. After the lengthy trial they were proved innocent, the police awarded compensation of 42 pounds each. Was this fair?

6. The Elixir of Life was distilled from pineapples by Harry Hurruhsford. He was the worlds last surviving alchemist, having hung on to life since the medieval times just so that he could perfect the Elixir of Life. So long had he been stuck indoors afraid to go out that he hadn't heard of pineapples until just a week before the major breakthrough when a door to door pineapple salesman knocked on his door. Harry had been known to ignore most people knocking on his door, but the pineapple salesman wasn't one to give up so easily. Desperate for comission to feed his two children who are made out of springs he starting making up ridiculous lies to entice Harry to open the door. He was about to move on when two local youths came and broke his legs, so he made up some more lies to get Harry to come and help him. One of his claims was that the pineapples were the vital ingrediant in the Elixir of Life. Harry couldn't resist such a bold proposition, and so nicked some pineapples from the broken legged pineapple salesman. He hurried to his secret underground laboratory and brewed up the pineapples into the almost perfect mixture he had already. They fitted perfectly and he distilled as much as he could. However the pineapple salesman, a man named Bing Crosby had called the police using a high tech phone he stole from the future. The police burst in to Harry's laboratory before he could even take a single swig and he died in prison a week later.

5. Frankenstein's Monster Marries Wife of Dracula. Wife of Dracula later arrested on charges of bigomy. It was the celebrity marriage of the year. All the major fashion magazines were there. 'Hello' was there. As was 'how are you?' 'Okay' was also there, 'how about you?' had the much sought after wedding photos. Can't complain managed to get a reporter undercover as a kitchen table where he learned that although Frankenstein's Monster and Wife of Dracula were great together in publick they were terrible at home. 'There was a lot of shouting and arguing and eventually one of them killed the other one magazine' couldn't make it, they were busy trying to come up with a better name for their magazine. 'They were alright really, didn't argue that much if you ask me magazine' was also trying to come up with a better name.
It turns out that Frankenstein's Monster had found out about Wife of Dracula's husband... Dracula! 'He was later sentenced to death for crimes against humanity magazine' went out of business. 'I guess they should have changed their name really magazine' did as well.
Wife of Dracula managed to calm down Frankenstein's Monster eventually telling him that he was the only one she'd ever had a real connection with. 'It was because they were so good in bed magazine' claimed that it was because they both had no real name, just a posessive name referring to someone else. Wife of Dracula stabbed herself in the heart with a stake when she heard that the police were going to arrest her for bigomy. 'Her final words were I'd rather die than leave your side Frankenstein's Monster magazine' was named after her final words.

4. Knife Wins X Factor by a majority of 166% of the votes. Simon Cowell said that this was impossible and that the votes must have been rigged, he then put on a trenchcoat and fedora and claimed that he would get to the bottom of this in the only way he knew how, either by detectiving (with him you get what you pay for when you pay for the best private eye in the business, he doesn't come cheap but he's thorough and he gets the job done. He knows his genre and he sticks to it. When Simon Cowell's on a case you can expect a lot of gratuitous sex and violence, a corpse strewn alley and a final rooftop showdown. Along the way you get all the stuff that you get when you pay for the best. You'll get a generous helping of trench coat humour, a lot of old toot being talked in a bar, running jokes about the mispronunciation of his trusty Smith and Wesson, a dame that does him wrong and a deep dark whirling pit of oblivion that he tumbles into, when she bops him on the head at the very beginning of every new case. He works in just the four locations. An office where the clients come. A bar where he talks a load of old toot and where the dame that does him wrong bops him on the head at the beginning of every new case. An alleyway, where he gets into tricky situations, and a rooftop where he has his final rooftop confrontation with the villain. No spin offs, no loose ends and all strictly in the first person. His name is Simon Cowell. Some call him Caz) or by having a talent contest. It'll be called The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor. Sure hit, I'm betting.

3. Annoyance was banned this summer by the Federation Against Articulating Annoying Towards Other People In Domestic And Various Other Situations. or FAAATOPIDVAO for short. Many people are thought to be affronted, angry, antagonised, bitter, cross, displeased, enraged, exasperated, hateful, ill-tempered, incensed, indignant, infuriated, irate, ireful, irritated, maddened, offended, outraged, provoked, resentful, sulky, sullen, vexed and wrathful about this. Although so far there's only been one man who was annoyed but he's been arrested and sentenced to death, so he doesn't count.

2. t.A.T.u. were declared Best Lesbians Ever even though nobody really strictly believes they are lesbians any more. Really. However nobody forgot to tell them they weren't lesbians and so an embarassing scene happened when the writer of this article forgot how the english language worked. *Ahem* Nobody remembered to tell them they weren't lesbians any more so an embarassing scene happened when they were found kissing in a public toilet.

1. Diamond was dethroned as the hardest thing in the world by a bloke with a tattoo of a diamond who rides a motorcycle made of diamond and has a diamond in his teeth. Forgot diamond, this guy makes diamond look like graphite! He calls himself Desmond Diamond and lives in a cafe in Dunstable.

See you next year for a run down of the most popular lesbians of the year. It's more or less the same as this but with less jokes and more porn.

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