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Folklore - Keats 1

Top Ten Candle Based Events of 2008

Posted on 2009.04.15 at 14:48
Current Mood:: jubilantjubilant
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Lateness Alarm! Three months late is better than never eh?

Last year I promised that there would be a top ten of events involving Tarantino but have you seen Tarantino lately? I doubt anyone could think of a top ten events involving him that happened in the last decade. So instead of Tarantino I thought ‘hey candles are pretty cool, why not see if I can do a top ten of events involving candles’. So without further ado here are the top ten best candle based events of the year 2008. This year involving actual events that actually happened in the actual world.

10. Quentin Tarantino bought a candle
Tarantino buying a candle in of itself may not sound like one of the best candle based events of the year, but just wait till you hear about the exciting circumstances that surrounded Tarantino’s ill fated trip to buy a candle. You see it was a sunny day in July, possibly the 23rd and Tarantino absentmindedly walked into a candle shop minding his own business. He glanced at the shelves that creaked under the sheer weight of awesome candles and marvelled at the retail clerk who had a lit candle on his head, dribbling wax down his face. Tarantino put on his best swagger and walked up to the least threatening looking candle, he loomed over it and scowled. It is reported that he launched into a tirade at the candle, demanding to know why it was so much better than he was and threatening to chop it up into little pieces if it did not acquiesce to his demands. When the waxfaced clerk tried to calm him down Tarantino produced a gun from his pocket and took the patrons of the shop hostage. For twelve hours the patrons and workers of Reservoir Candles cowered as Tarantino dismembered candle after candle. Some he burnt down to the end, some he chopped into tiny pieces, others he smashed with a sledgehammer, and one candle he shot with a bullet from the aforementioned gun. This went on for hours, he refused to even negotiate with the outside world. Eventually the clerk came over to Tarantino and explained that candles were cooler than Tarantino because they help people see in the dark. Tarantino reportedly shot that man in the ear and then bought a relatively unharmed candle to take home for his nefarious research. And that’s the story of how Tarantino bought a candle. But we can only guess at what he wanted with that candle. One day we might find out what his true intentions for the candle are, and when that day comes… god help us all.

9. Doctor Candlestein made a monster
Every year 83 monsters are animated by mad scientists, of these 83 8.3 don’t survive the animation process, another 8.3 go on a killing spree rampage kind of thing as soon as they bust out of their restraints, 1 goes on a dancing spree rampage kind of thing as soon as it busts free from it’s restraints and the rest go on to live normal lives. The latter is true for Doctor Candlestein’s creation, or as it is commonly known: Toby. Toby is a harmless enough monster who looks like a giant candle with the arms of overgrown kittens. Despite his dyslexia, diabetes and dyspraxia Toby is a kind and considerate soul who very rarely forces people through a mincing machine. The only exception to this rule is when his wick (located coming out of the top of his head) gets too warm and bursts into flames, thus unlocking the dangerous, fiery personality that lurks beneath Toby’s waxy demeanour. Thanks to his extensive charity work Can’t Complain Magazine has named him their man of the year. Former Can’t Complain Magazine man of the year Saint Clements is reported to be very angry at Toby for stealing his crown (though not literally as Saint Clements doesn't believe in using hats as head ornamentation). According to his publicist Saint Clements is currently working out a way to entomb Toby in a giant underwater hat labyrinth and if anyone can help him can they please contact him on his website: www.stopwearinghatsonyourbloodyheadsforgodssake.com

8. The Miracle Candle
Back in the olden days a very special man called Jesus made a candle last for a million and one days and they applauded him and built a religion around him. However when David Blaine tried the same stunt this year people weren’t very interested, saying that they hadn’t been impressed with his public stunts since he’d levitated in the air for nine and a half months a couple of years ago. However as he made this candle last longer and longer people began to pay attention. On the millionth night it was decided that something needed to be done. That David Blaine could not be allowed to form his own religion. Hundreds of practitioners of Paris Hilton's revamped Christianity swarmed the park where David Blaine was carrying out his miracle but they were met by many candle cultists who fought tooth and nail to protect their great leader and his miraculous candle. The battle raged on for hours and it was thought that there was no way to stop David Blaine from becoming the next major religion when the ground began to tremble and the sea of candle cultists and Christians parted revealing the holy triumvirate of t.A.T.u. and Indiana Jones. Their deific skin casting celestial ripples through the air as they made their way to David Blaine. They snatched his insignificant candle from him and explained in no uncertain terms that while he may be able to make a candle burn for a very long time they are actual gods with actual powers (given to them through mystical artefacts or unlikely stories about lesbian noises and magical spells gone awry). David Blaine in comparison is like a bug, and to reinforce this image they crushed his candle and destroyed his chance at godhood. The world rejoiced and to celebrate this marvellous occasion David Blaine was sealed into a well. An act which he believed would be his next big stunt, but what ultimately proved to be his eternal prison.

7. Ex Prime Minister flies to the moon on wings made of candles
The Prime Minister Ross Noble was getting bored with his position as the Prime Minister this year and so he made a mutant half-man half-hat called Trilby the prime minister and got back up to his old tricks. His first act as no longer the prime minister was to go home and build shoes made out of candles. The shoes were a roaring success and even though they burnt the soles of your feet people were soon clamouring for more candle based clothing. He developed line after line of candle clothing until he’d run out of pieces of clothing that can be improved by making them out of candles. One day as he struggled to invent a scarf made out of candles he accidentally made a pair of wings instead. He took a glance at the moon and wondered whether anyone could fly to the moon on wings made out of candles. It didn’t sound that hard so he wrote the words ‘Icarus 11’ on the wings, lit the candles and flapped his way into the stars. Within seconds the press had scrambled to his house and were using very large megaphones to interview him as he made his epic journey to the moon. It wasn’t long before the range of even the largest large megaphone had been exceeded and Ross was flying solo. As he burst from the Earth’s atmosphere he had to dodge asteroids, space debris, spaceships, space whales and even banana peels for about five minutes as he made his way to the moon. Reportedly once he arrived on the moon he found it to be so much fun that he opened up a bar with a friendly space whale called Nigel.

6. Sexy Third Gender Brings Laser Candles
It was discovered last year that contrary to popular belief both genders, men and women, had not always populated the planet. It turned out that in the Victorian Times men flickered into existence claiming that they had come from a far off planet to bring the wonders of steam technology and sexy dancing to an entirely lesbian filled planet. This year we were all minding our business watching the latest series of Strictly Britain’s Got The Lesbian Factor Idol: The Rivals when a sexy third gender flickered into existence. This third gender, known as kimen or vamale, was by far the sexiest of all the genders. Men fell in love with their perfect features and luscious carapaces, while women adored them for their golden locks (hair of course) and throbbing tensors. All over the planet men, women and kimen came together, and well, came together. Sex was new and exciting, thanks to the kimen it had been reinvented in a way that people wouldn’t have ever been able to imagine. And all was good with the world, for about a week. While men and women were having the time of their lives the kimen were going unsatisfied in comparison to their previous partners from their original planet. It was decided that they would return to their home planet and apologise to their spouses and hope that they would take them back. One by one the kimen faded away from our world. Leaving nothing but bittersweet memories, a longing for beautiful kimen that no amount of CGI pornography would ever be able to sate, and laser candles.

5. World’s Largest Candle Kidnapped
The world’s largest candle, otherwise known as the Empire State Candle had long been a feature of the New York skyline until one fateful day in June when it was gone. The people of New York looked high and low. They looked inside coffee shops, under yellow cabs, behind the statue of liberty but they could not find their missing giant candle. They called up David Copperfield to see if he had magicked it away. When he refused to admit that he had they fed him a burnt steak and then burnt him at the stake so that all potential candle thieves would see what happens to the falsely accused. Eventually after several long days of pointlessly killing magicians a letter covered in giant wax arrived from the world’s greatest supervillain Eville Von Bastarde. Bastarde’s career as a supervillain started when he was protesting, and eventually demolishing, a hat factory using his skills as a Flamenco ninja. However in retaliation to this unprovoked attack Cattus McHattus, owner of the hat factory, released millions of hatsquitoes designed to infect anyone they see dancing with a horrible blood disease. However it turns out that instead of filling the hatsquitoes injection reservoir with nasty blood diseases she accidentally filled them with super awesome toxic waste that causes people that are exposed to get superpowers. Eville Von Bastarde wasted no time in getting himself some superpowers. Once stung by a hatsquito he discovered that he could cause natural disasters through the medium of dance. Cattus McHattus decided that enough was enough, did a little dance and gained the power to throw a hat so hard it could slice through steel like it was butter. Every week Cattus McHattus must fight the forces of evil to keep the world, and her collection of awesome hats, safe. Anyway Von Bastarde bragged that he’d stolen the Empire State Candle and there was nothing New York could do about it. Investigations are ongoing but it’s believed that Cattus McHattus is gearing up to assault his supervillain hideout and recover the precious candle that is at the heart of every New Yorker. Only time will tell if she is successful.

4. Simon Cowell Eats Candles On The Street
(previously on the top ten things of the year: A knife won the X Factor in 2006 by 166% of the vote. Simon Cowell was determined to find out who had rigged the X Factor and to do so he launched The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor. The winner was a hat that was then executed. However it turned out that the hat had won by 167% of the vote. A curtain billowed and a man with weird white hair called Rhydian announced that it was he who had rigged both the X Factor and The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor. Simon Cowell furiously demanded that Rhydian be brought to justice and planned to televise it as The Bring Rhydian To Justice Factor.)
He actually ended up calling it The Bring Rhydian To Justice Because He Rigged ‘The X Factor’ and ‘The Who Rigged The X Factor Factor’ Factor. Simon and the other judges (who because of the constant reshuffling of judges at that time were: Sharon Osbourne, Ronald McDonald, Danni Minogue, Tom Baker, Cheryl Cole, Rick Astley, Louis Walsh and Chesney Hawkes) had a massive disagreement over how the contestants were going to be divided into different groups and the whole program just fell apart, with the other judges grabbing the pieces and running away to rearrange those pieces into an X Factor rip-off show of their very own, meaning 2008 was the year with the most X Factor rip-offs in living memory. Simon Cowell himself didn’t do an X Factor style show, instead he dedicated his every waking moment to finding Rhydian and bringing him to justice. Eventually after spending several weeks living in the gutter, eating candles from the floor and letting cats lick his face Simon found strength in his anger and started his hunt for Rhydian in earnest. He stopped by the house of two French men called Gaspard and Xavier, better known as the French band Justice who had hits with “We Are Your Friends” and “D.A.N.C.E.” and found Rhydian living in the courtroom hidden under their house. He started to make his way over to Rhydian to beat him black and blue, but wait! Suddenly Alexandra Burke, Leon Jackson, Eoghan Quigg, Ray Quinn and Chico were all there. They came to Rhydian’s aid; pleading the case that all reality TV shows are rigged because the public is stupid and if they don’t tell the public what they want then the public just gets all confused and votes for the wrong thing. Leon and Alexandra say that should know best of all. They’d never be big stars if they hadn’t rigged the competitions they entered. Simon Cowell decides that it’s not okay to rig competitions, no matter what is at stake. Incensed by the fight with the cheating X Factor contestants Simon produced his OFCOM laser and shot Rhydian through the heart. Simon breathed a sigh of relief. His burden was lifted, he had finally won. When suddenly there was a crash of thunder and a dark figure appeared silhouetted against the flapping red curtain on the highest balcony. It was Rhydian. He announces victoriously that it was all a set up. That he’d organised everything; from Simon finding him (something to do with the properties of genetically altered cat saliva), to the aid of the cheating X Factor contestants that made Simon angrier. Rhydian leant over and kissed Alexandra Burke (his partner in crime and secret wife) on the mouth before running off into the night laughing. Simon walked to what he had thought was Rhydian’s body to discover the corpse was Louis Walsh, Simon’s dearest friend. Simon fell to his knees and raised his arms theatrically in the air as rain poured down onto his face. He vowed that this time Rhydian would pay for what he did.

3. The General Population of Jormungandr Eat Candles
(previously on the top ten things of the year: a mysterious tribe of kepis (hats) slinked maliciously into the Principality of Jormungandr and cut off all the roads out of the principality. Ultimately even if the kepis had no intent to attack the people of Jormungandr the population of the aforementioned principality would soon die of starvation, their supply routes so effectively cut.)
The population of Jormungandr slowly began to starve as the kepis took over farms, supermarkets and cafés. People resorted to eating sand, chewing gum, bricks, candles and even airline dinners. Still Princess Jormungandr refused to negotiate with the mysterious kepis, and what was more interesting to the starving people of Jormungandr was that she was actually getting fatter while everyone else in the kingdom waned away. There were protests outside her palace, demanding that she share the wondrous bounty from the gods, but when that wondrous bounty from the gods was less than forthcoming the protest turned more into a riot. People became less interested in the Princess sharing her food and more interested in tying her up, roasting her over a fire and eating her delicious flesh. The rioting population burst through the doors of the palace to see it deserted. They ran down the corridors like salmon rushing upstream and converged on Jormungandr’s throne room and own personal cloning facility (did I not mention that Jormungandr had a personal cloning facility in her throne room? well she did) where it was discovered she had been cloning herself and eating the clones. Upon discovering this many people thought ‘oh well fair enough then’ and proceeded to baste the latest Jormungandr clone with a delicious barbecue sauce. However the majority of the surviving Jormungandian citizens were outraged, as they themselves are clones. They demanded that a more effective solution be implemented. One that doesn’t have them creating clones only to feast upon them. Jormungandr proposed the creation of a new clone. A clone with the wits, dexterity and strength to take on the army of kepis and win. A clone who might possibly be able to turn into a giant fox one day. A clone who would be a hero, who would be able to change the world. A clone who she may one day be able to love. Jormungandr proposed that this clone be named Clone 315 and that he be a shining beacon to all other clones. She was at that point interrupted by a clone from amidst the crowd of clones who suggested that perhaps this clone have a different name because he was Clone 315. Plus, Clone 315 added, turning into a giant fox sounds like a lame ability. This was agreed by the group at large. So Jormungandr renamed the clone Spunk, got rid of the stupid ability to change into a giant fox and started the cloning machine to produce this heroic clone. Spunk was everything that Princess Jormungandr could hope for and more. Within mere hours of his production the kepis had been forced back into the parallel universe from which they had been spawned and everything was good with the world again. Spunk was praised as a hero and within the year Princess Jormungandr and Spunk had announced their intention to marry.

2. Lost City of Candlantis Discovered
The Lost City of Atlantis. People have been looking for it for ages now. Legend has it that people have been looking for it since the dawn of time, although if they were that was pretty stupid of them because it obviously hadn’t been invented yet. When it had been invented so many people flocked to this wondrous land of wonders that eventually it was standing room only and you had to share your bed room with a man called Eggbert. Soon the population of Atlantis so far exceeded the recommended weight limit that this once great city sunk through the murky waters and down to the depths below. Since then people have trawled murky waters all over the planet hoping to find even the slightest clue that just maybe their swimming pool or a local pond might have once been the site of Atlantis. It was in the year of 2008 that an intrepid explorer would revolutionise the world of Atlantis Hunters with his radical new ideas and his hat that he wears at a jaunty angle. His name was Jaunty McSteve and his ideas were so revolutionary that if people thought about them for too long they would get dizzy and fall over. He reasoned that people had been searching for this lost continent in oceans and tidepools and puddles for so long that it probably wasn’t underwater at all. If it was then people would have found it by now. He reasoned that like his keys Atlantis would probably be in the last place you would look for it and so he started on a small scale by looking down the back of his sofa and in those cupboards that you don’t really use but you might have put it in there you suppose. Soon he was leading a massive nationwide hunt for the lost city marching from house to house and searching through the laundry baskets of potential Atlantis thieves. However, like so many other Atlantis Hunters, Jaunty McSteve never found Atlantis eventually going mad from the pressure and building a replica of the Lost City made entirely of candles. He has since been committed to the specially built Atlantis Wing of the Shady Island Mental Institution. He will always be remembered with fondness by those with poor balance or who wear hats at an angle and of course Lord Lucan who he discovered eating marmalade in an attic in Bristol.

1. CandleMan CandleMan Does Whatever A Candle Can
2008 saw the return of the worlds worst superhero CandleMan. CandleMan’s one power, the power to set his hair on fire and use it as illumination faltered once again as he came up against The Black Destroyer. A villain of such unspeakable horror and terror that people communicate the idea of his horror and terror through the medium of mime or line drawings. Thanks to CandleMan’s general incompetence The Black Destroyer is now the supreme ruler of Norway and soon the entire earth. All hail the Black Destroyer and the evil black cockroaches he puts in your brain. CandleMan’s general ineptitude didn’t stop some fans from being sad that he died and a massive funeral was held for him a couple of days after news of his defeat. His supporters from all over the world gathered in the Birmingham Candle Factory where CandleMan had been born and remembered him. Celebrity CandleMan Fan Elton John showed his support to the fallen superhero in the form of a song which went a little something like this:

“And it seems to me that he lived his life
while he had his head on fire.
What a freaky superhero,
did I really like this guy?
All hail the Black Destroyer
with his creepy cockroach brain
CandleMan was stupid,
he got put out in the rain.”

Possibly one about cakes coming soon. And when I say soon I mean by about July...

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